I believe that there is a cycle from which my mood might be predicted. This cycle basically works like this:
1. (Arbritrary starting point): Loneliness and confusion: this stage is characterized by insecurity and worry, with moments during which I spontaneously feel like crying. I tend to also feel as though I need love or at least someone else at this time.
I wonder why I exist, and consider not existing. I also view the world as being something of a conspiracy for the purpose of causing my loneliness. There is a possibility, during this period, that I will decide that I am in love with someone. From here, there is an “incubation” period of love during which I exit this cycle and go over, for several days, how reasonable the conclusion that I am in love really is. However, it remains to be seen what happens if the love is returned, as this has never happened through my own initiation (I am always rejected). Rejection simply leads to the next step in this cycle.
2. The search: I latch onto a particular aspect of the ultimate question and begin to ponder it. I may also attach myself to some sort of diversion, esp. something designed to make me feel as though I do have love or someone else, eg. a comic, game, story, etc.
3. The epiphany: Something happens and I feel as though I have located an “answer.” I will try to express this through some work of art, be it writing, music, etc.
4. The period of enlightenment: During this period, I feel as though I have all the answers I need. I feel happy and satisfied, and this is the time when I feel as though life itself is enough, and love is not necessary. I tend to produce almost nothing during this period, since I am happy and complacent.
5. Deterioration: I “lose” enlightenment as life begins to feel boring or unsatisfactory. I become increasingly troubled, and I disconnect myself from the world. I may also have a short temper because I feel like things are slipping out of control.
The cycle takes approximately one month to complete, based on my current estimates. This time may vary from two weeks up to possible half a year: I need to study it more closely to find out more.
The problem with this cycle is that while I can distance myself from my self and study myself objectively, I cannot actually influence this cycle. Indeed, the only way to escape this cycle is for someone to love me. You can tell by that comment what stage in the cycle I am in.
That’s the weird thing – while I am “objectively” trying to study this cycle, my presentation of the cycle is inherently affected by the way that I am thinking, which is the product of my stage in the cycle. That means that while I can write about this cycle during any stage, the way that I explain it will change slightly, especially with regards to how important love and purpose are in life, and whether or not it is escapable. Right now, I would say it is near inescapable.
This is not to say that I am homogeneously of one mood; I can be, on the micro scale, happy or sad or whatever. And it’s not as though I really treat people differently – I try to be nice to people at all times, and be accommodating to them, etc. So, the only way to find out the subtleties of this is to examine my productivity, esp. in extracurriculars, and how much I smile when I am alone.
Depression and desperation are the greatest causes of creativity and creative output, so in the absence of love, the production of most creative items stems from those moods. During times of enlightenment, I tend to talk to people instead and produce less personal work.
Anyway, I’m not uniformly depressed or anything. I’m not even sad, per se. But undoubtedly I have a certain demeanor of melancholy. Probably within the next few days, I’ll begin my search.
It’s so weird to be conscious of this cycle and to realize that I’ve been through it time and time again. I wonder when it’ll end? Can enlightenment last? Probably not.
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