The Best There Ever Was
Justin Lo
July 16, 2006
Ryan
was unstoppable. His friends had
tipped him off, and he was barreling down the hallway like Calvin and Hobbes on
their wagon. Unstoppable.
He
seized the doorknob to the old high school art studio. The door obediently flung open and
revealed Ophelia. Dear, dear
Ophelia, kissing someone else.
gI-it
isnft what it looks like!h she cried as soon as she saw him. But unfortunately, she saw him much too
late.
gIfve
heard that one before,h Ryan deadpanned.
gYou gotta try a little harder than that.h
gN-no,
wait!h she stammered, unable to come up with any good explanation. The boy was still kissing her on the
cheek, and that was certainly not helping her cause.
It
was all in vain, anyway. Ryan was
long gone.
Ryan
awoke with a jolt.
gDammit,
not again!h he scowled as he glanced at his dorm roomfs lone window. Still dark.
Exhaling
audibly, he hopped out of bed to make himself a cup of coffee. He knew from plentiful experience that
he wouldnft be getting back to sleep any time soon.
It
had been two years already since his seemingly perfect relationship with
Ophelia had come to its tragic, innocence-shattering end. He had never spoken to her even once
since then, and he never planned on it.
So why did he always dream about her, and especially about that day?
He
wasnft even in town anymore – hefd since graduated and moved onto college a few
states over. He was doing well
enough by any measure, and he had plenty of friends. But the longer he went without meeting a single girl of
interest, the more he realized that maybe God had only allotted him one shot at
love. And ironically, it wasnft
even him who blew it.
Ryan
cursed his luck, fixing up a bowl of cereal and milk for breakfast. The trees outside swayed a little from
side to side as the first seedlings of dawn sprouted up in the distance. By the time the light was in full
effect, though, only the lone silver spoon in the empty Corningware bowl was left
in the room to see it.
The
young man was already outside. It
was chilly, and he was fumbling with his fingers to try to slide on some
gloves. Nothing out of the
ordinary seemed to be going on – just the way Ryan liked it. No one was ever outside this early on a
winter Saturday, though, so it was not unexpected that the conditions would be
favorable. One might say that Ryan
had subconsciously tailored his life to a vision of simplicity and regularity,
for a life of order is a life without worry.
Of
course, this would be the moment to cue in the girl at ten ofclock, approaching
quickly. He didnft see her at
first – and he didnft see her now.
If he had hypothetically been riding in a helicopter at that moment, he
would have noticed her highly unusual trajectory. But as it stood, he first met her when she crashed into him,
sending both of them into the snow.
gOof!h
he groaned. He saw the figure
dressed in a white jacket lying beside him. Her long and well-groomed hair spilled gently onto the
surrounding snow.
gHey,
are you alright?h he asked.
gUnngh, wha?h she replied, looking up at him. gWait.h She stared at him bug-eyed for a bit, but then suddenly regained her composure. One could almost hear the gears turning in her head, they were churning so quickly and deftly.
gDo
I know you?h asked Ryan.
gI
donft believe wefve met before c,h the girl said. gBut Ifm c um, Renée.
Um, nice to meet you!h
Renée
was undoubtedly beautiful. Ryan
slowly become cognizant of that fact as he helped her up and dusted off some of
the snow. She seemed to have a
secretive smirk on her face that was cute beyond words, and it rendered Ryan a
bit helpless, just standing there.
gNice
to meet you, too. My name is
Ryan.h
The
two of them smiled awkwardly at each other, unsure of what to do. Ryan, for his part, was also rather
handsome, and the two seemed to just be enjoying the sight of one another.
gUm,h
said Renée, for whom finding words seemed to be like finding needles in a
haystack. gWould you like to go
have some coffee or something?h
She sounded a little hopeful, and her fingers were twiddling about
nervously.
gWell,
I already had breakfast.h She was
crestfallen. gBut Ifm sure some
more coffee couldnft hurt.h She
smiled anew.
The
two were seated at a cramped table next to the window, their hands
symmetrically cupped around their coffees. The tablefs metal frame was white; the coffee lids were
white; the snow outside was white.
Beside this backdrop, Renéefs gloriously rosy cheeks stood out like
delicate embroideries on an otherwise flat sheet of cloth.
gOh,
so youfre twenty, too!h exclaimed Renée.
gNo,
Ifm twenty, not twenty-two,h said Ryan.
Renée
laughed, shaking her head. gToo,
like t-o-o.h
Ryan
nodded quickly in agreement, trying to minimize the awkwardness of the moment.
gWell,
tell me a little about yourself,h said Renée, trying to let the conversation
restart itself on a fresh foot.
gOh,
Ifm just a student. I guess I like
pretty normal things c music, reading, you know.h
gNormalfs
all relative, anyway! Itfs normal
to like music and reading, but Ifm sure you have your own unique tastes in
songs or books.h
gI
suppose so,h agreed Ryan. gWell, I
just play a bit of guitar.h
gOh,
acoustic or electric?h asked the girl before taking a sip of her coffee.
gAcoustic,h
said Ryan. gI havenft played for
awhile, though.h He looked a
little bit downcast, so Renée decided not to push the topic any further. In any case, she herself looked
inexplicably affected by his sudden change of mood, for her eyes were suddenly
overcast by shadow as she hung her head slightly.
gHow
about you?h asked Ryan.
gWell,
letfs see,h replied Renée, gathering herself quickly. gI like dancing and painting, long vacations, and a smidgen
of poetry.h
gAre
you an art major?h
gOh,
not really,h she said. gIfm focusing
mostly on writing right now.h
gThen
itfs a bit more than a esmidgenf of poetry, isnft it?h said Ryan with his
eyebrows cocked in mock suspicion.
gYeah,
I guess so. I was going for the
understatement effect. In case you
didnft like poetry or something.
Or writing in general – I donft just do poetry, in any case.h
gPoetry
is alright, I guess,h he said after a pause.
She
laughed, crossing her legs and knocking her toes together. Her eyes had a motherly sheen to them
that seemed to calm Ryan down. He
couldnft help but feel his heart thaw just a little bit in the winter cold –
just that little, uncommitted motion.
Certainly lesser in magnitude than even frozen foods sitting in the
refrigerator.
gI
have to go, sorry,h he said suddenly.
It was a gag reflex in his personality, Renée realized right away, and
she seemed to have a tolerant soft spot for it.
With
understanding lyricism in her voice, she quickly answered, gOf course, of
course. I mustnft keep you here in
any event.h
But
she knew that he didnft really have to go. Where would he have to go at this time, anyway, but back to
routine? And yet routine was like
an obligation unto itself. He
thanked her for the pleasant time and started walking out, slowly.
As
if the authoress of this short episode, Renée knowingly followed him outside,
watching him pause in front of the brick wall to stare out at the slushy, muddy
street. She stayed a couple feet
away, far away enough that she wouldnft be threatening to his peace, but close
enough that he would know that he could still talk to her if he wanted. It was a generous availability, a favor
that only someone well-matured would know.
Ryan
knew that, too. He sensed her
presence there – well, he knew she was there, in any case; he didnft look at
her, and he hadnft done so ever since he had last exchanged words with her
inside the store, but he knew she was there, waiting. Waiting for what, was up to him.
eShefs
a nice girl,f Ryanfs heart told him repeatedly. He wanted to say it, but something was holding him
back. The nightmare. It had been so many years, though, he
wanted to tell himself – he wanted to be free of it once and for all. Maybe a new love would drown out the
old. Maybe God wanted to give him
another chance, to make up for the last disaster. There was a lot of uncertainty. He turned around – to see Renée very slowly turning around
and starting to walk away. But
slowly. Very slowly. As in: gcatch up to me right nowh slow.
He
bounced into action, quickly overtaking her.
gYes?h
she asked.
gCan
we maybe c m-meet again c later c sometime?h he asked.
gI
think that would be okay,h she said, smiling.
gN-not
that I mean a date or anything.
You can bring your friends,h he said.
gOh,
certainly not a date! I donft even
know if youfre single or not, goodness,h she returned quickly. She put a lot of thought into each of
her words, more thought than most would give. She took care, for instance, to make sure that he would not
have the discomfort of doubting for any additional moments, that she herself
was as single as a slice of Kraft cheese.
It was less out of desperation, if indeed there was any within her
bosom, and more out of consideration for his insecurity.
gWell
then – perhaps the park over on Haverton Street?h he offered.
gI
think that ought to do,h Renée said.
gIn a week, perhaps?h
Ryan
nodded. gSomething like nine
ofclock.h
gAlright,
good deal,h Renée said. And Ryan
shuddered. Renée quickly wrapped
her arms around him to try to coax away whatever it was that had resurfaced. gIfm sorry,h she said in a low voice,
gShould I say instead c eitfs a date!f ?h
At
this, Ryan blushed.
gD-date,h
he stuttered.
gYoufre
hard to please, buddy,h said Renée as she released her hug.
Afraid
he had irritated her, Ryan tried to apologize, but Renée simply placed an index
finger near his lips, saying, gShhh.
I was joking, okay?h
Ryan
nodded, and then she was gone.
One
week was a long time, and without having swapped cell numbers of e-mail
addresses, it was even more so. It
would be easy enough to look one another up in the university directories or
scour various other sites for information, but something out there, stroking
its long white beard, advised against it.
It
would be something like cheating.
One week is one week. Some
things are near instantaneous: our reaction to a hot stove, getting goosebumps
when wefre cold, swallowing after taking a bite. But trying to understand and distill the feelings that start
developing, that can take many days, even with concentrated thought.
On
Ryanfs end, on Monday, it seemed perhaps like fledgling love; on Tuesday, just
friendship; on Wednesday, he kind of liked her; on Thursday, the moments that
scared him resurfaced. Come Friday
night, as he lounged in his room with a bowl of lightly buttered popcorn in
front of the TV watching an old Clint Eastwood movie, he still didnft have any
clear indication of who Renée could even be to him.
Was
there an opening in his heart for someone? He looked around, at the bland bookshelves, at his dusty
computer, at the cheap magazine-insert poster of Bruce Lee on the wall. The place could certainly use some
feminine touch-up. There were
almost no traces of Ophelia left in here.
At least Renée wouldnft have to see that. But they were all in the closet. In that closet that Ryan dared not open. It repelled him; his body knocked him
backwards; he would stumble back onto his bed.
There
was a blue plastic fold-out towel stand in front of the closet, standing
guard. With all this set-up, one
would think that Ophelia herself were locked up in the closet. But no, Ophelia was on her way,
somewhere else, somewhere out of Ryanfs scope of thought. He had never considered finding out
where she had gone, what she had done.
In his state of ignorance, he instead had invented a sort of alternate
timeline for her. Based on
probability, she probably was over a thousand miles away from him at this
point. He himself was already a
good ways from home.
He
munched on a fistful of popcorn as the gunfire began on screen and in his head,
the latter shots spent to exorcise the memory of Ophelia once again. Tomorrow would be Saturday, and maybe
things would start to change.
Eight
forty-five at the park: Renée was standing there on a sidewalk across the
street from one of the side entrances.
She was bundled up heavily like last time; you could only see a small
portion of her face, and a few rebel strands of her somewhat short brown hair
peeking out. She shuffled about in
a circle; you could see her well-worn path, for her boots had kicked up the
snow into a colosseum around her track.
Ryan
arrived ten minutes later, and he did quick rounds. Without sighting his date, he sat down on a bench. Renée came running into the park and
stood before him, breathing heavily.
The condensation of her breath flew apart into the wind, fogging the
view of her face.
gYoufre
here after all,h said Ryan.
gYes,
I am,h she answered. gIfm not
late, am I?h
Ryan
glanced at the large clock mounted in a ridged green pole. gNope, youfre two minutes ahead of
schedule.h
gThatfs
good,h she said, clasping her gloved hands together. The two walked, side-by-side but without contact, down the
right-hand path. The heavy snows
last night had prevented a lot of the regulars from coming. It was a rather quiet place, as such,
but not without its charms.
gOh,
look!h Ryan said, pointing at the snow.
Renée
looked over and saw the small dog paw-prints in the snow that pranced around
idly. gThe silly little thing,h
she said. gIfve never had a pet in
my life. Do you have one?h
gNo,
me neither,h said Ryan. gBut itfd
be nice.h
gYeah,
puppies are so cute.h
And
they resumed their walk along the downy path. It was a pleasant and gentle stroll, of a pace not too much
faster than the pigeonfs strut or the duckfs waddle.
gHow
long do you think the snow will last?h asked Renée suddenly, making Ryan perk
up a bit in surprise. But her
voice was not too incongruous with the ambient sound. The pitch of it was certainly a bit lower than most girlsf,
maybe even to a point of exaggeration, but it was still not too unusual.
gMaybe
two weeks,h Ryan said. gItfll
melt, but the snow might still come in again. Winterfs definitely not over yet.h
gMm,
so for two weeks, we wonft see what this park truly looks like.h
gWould
it be that good if we could?h
gYes,
I was wondering the same thing c,h said Renée, and then she let the silence
drift in once again.
The
two arrived at the bottom of the hill, where many of the parkfs paths met at an
aster; in the center was a small amphitheater, and five or six people were
gathered there, chiseling ice sculptures.
gHey,
I wanna give that a try,h said Renée.
gIs
it free?h asked Ryan.
gWe
can find out.h The two of them
descended down the steps to the center, where they inquired about the ice.
gOh,
youfre more than welcome to join us,h said the tall man in charge. He pointed to a still-untouched chunk
of ice. gPlease share one,
though.h
gThank
you,h Ryan said. Turning to Renée,
he asked, gSo, what should we make?h
gI
donft know,h said Renée. gHow
about we start on opposite halves and just start, and then see what happens?h
The
idea was bizarre, but Ryan trusted her artistic intuition.
Ryan
began knocking away large portions from the corners, and Renée followed suit, taking
the gesture one step farther and making what seemed to be a crude ear. Like this, wordlessly, they tried to
take in cues, and they slowly made it inwards, closer and closer and then –
they met each other in the center, with only a few finishing details to
go. With deft hands, Renée cut a
few facets to form an eye, then carved away a few channels to leave some
whiskers.
The
two stood back and then burst out laughing.
gYour
side is an inch too high!h complained Renée.
gOn
the contrary, your side is an inch too low,h countered Ryan.
The
resulting cat was not too badly formed; Renéefs half certainly showed more
technical skill, but there was a careless humor to Ryanfs half. And they were indeed staggered by a
full inch.
gIt
looks like he got cut in half.h
gMaybe
itfs a bad omen,h said Ryan worriedly.
gNah,
itfs just artistry,h replied Renée.
gYou see how itfs still held together? It just shows that people who are one inch apart in height
can still date each other.h
Ryan
shot her an incredulous look.
gI
was kidding!h she said. gOkay,
sir, thank you for your time,h she said, projecting her voice towards the man.
The
man gave a chuckle when he looked at what the friends had produced. gNot quite on the same wavelength yet,
huh,h he said.
Renée
harrumphed. gJust you wait. If you shield the right half and let
the left half melt away just a little, the two halves will be perfectly
matched.h
gPerhaps
youfre right,h said the man.
The
two were already on their way.
gItfs
already eleven, isnft it,h said Ryan.
gYeah,
it is. Listen, I should be going,
but herefs my cell number, so call whenever you want, okay?h Renée said,
handing Ryan an empty half of an envelope with the digits scribbled barely
legibly on the back.
gAlright,h
said Ryan. gI guess wefll part
ways for now.h
The
next moment, he felt hair brushing against his face as the slightly shorter
girl planted a small smooch on his cheek.
gCiao!h
she said, skipping away.
gInnocent,
my ass,h Ryan grumbled. gSomething
is up with that girl c I wonder what c.h
Someone
had entered his world, just as he feared.
It was hard to understand.
He couldnft just rely on the books anymore.
He
let out a frustrated growl as he kicked a box of neatly organized junk toward
the corner of the room. eWhy on
Earth am I cleaning my room now?f he wondered. But the answer was obvious: in case Renée would be visiting
soon. Was she any more than a
friend, though? He never cleaned
up if any of his friends were coming over, even if they were girls.
Even
though she had kissed him, she seemed to be the type who would greet anyone
with that sort of kiss. The
problem of course was that he was not of the same type – and that mismatch,
that conflict between the external cues of the foreign personality and the
instincts of the selfish personality, were probably the primary cause of Ryanfs
current flustered state.
He
had yet to give her a call, even though it had been three days already. He hated himself for not calling, but
he couldnft bring himself to do it, especially when the nightmare had recurred
just the past night.
gHey,
Ryan!h came a shout from outside.
Ryan
opened his door to reveal Yuri, a friend from down the hall.
gI
think you have a package down at front desk,h he said. gIt was marked eperishablef or
something.h
gWait,
really?h asked Ryan. gI didnft
know anyone was sending me anything c.h
gWell,
just letting you know. You donft
have to go get it right away. Just
a suggestion, though.h
gYeah,
thanks,h said Ryan, leaving for the stairwell, closing the door behind
him. He jumped down the steps two
at a time as he always did, reaching the ground floor in no time.
gHey,h
he called out to the girl working desk.
gI think I have a package.h
gOh,
yes, are you Ryan?h she asked.
gYes,
I am,h he answered.
gWe
actually left your package outside, to keep it from getting too warm.h
gItfs
really that perishable?h Ryan asked.
gYeah,
apparently so,h said the girl.
gNnngh,h
Ryan managed to groan, sounding somewhat like a cow. gAlright, alright, Ifll go up and get my jacket.h
He
turned around to scale the stairs, completely missing the smirk of satisfaction
on the girlfs face for a job well done.
A minute later, he arrived again at the desk with his jacket on, heading
outside.
The
snow was rather heavy, and any boxes left outside would have long been buried
beneath the snow. Ryan scoured the
front yard of the dormitory for any signs of a lump.
As
he crouched down to investigate one of the more obvious humps of snow, a shout
suddenly reached his ear from behind: gDelivery, delivery!h
gHuh?h
he said, craning his neck around as far as it would go, which was probably a
mistake, as he was hit directly on the nose by a well-formed snowball.
gJesus
Christ!h he shouted. gWhat are you
doing?h He swiped the snow off his
face to see Renée peering down at him cutely, kneeling halfway and resting her
hands on her knees.
gOoh,
they really did get you out here,h she commented.
gDamn
it! Yuri and the desk
worker, conspiring to tell me those lies!h
gIt
wasnft a lie,h Renée said sweetly.
gIf I brought the snowball in, it would have melted, wouldnft it? I think that qualifies as
perishable. Donft you?h
She
plopped down onto the snow beside him.
gSometimes,
just because you arenft lying, doesnft mean youfre telling the truth,h muttered
Ryan.
gWell
put, well put. And just because
you donft call, doesnft mean you donft want to see me, right?h
gIfm
sorry.h
gAbout
what?h asked Renée, standing back up again suddenly. She had meant only to get back on her feet and assume a
better position for interrogating Ryan a little. But instead, her movement was too sudden, too spontaneous
for her to control in the wet snow with her enormous snow boots, and she lost
her balance, accelerating as she helplessly flopped into the light pole behind
her.
Ryan
quickly leapt forward to grab her, but in the badly lit yard, he could still
tell that there was some sort of injury as he watched a small portion of the
snow dye itself red. With all the
strength he could muster, he lifted Renée up and brought her inside, up the
elevator, to his room. The desk
worker looked on, biting her lips with concern, but deciding not to complicate
matters.
He
looked at her crumpled figure on the ground, melting slush flooding the carpet
beside her boots. With his towel,
he had dried off her face and hands; the small wound had already stopped
bleeding.
gAre
you okay?h he asked.
gUgh,
that was careless of me,h she said.
gIfve always been told I donft have very much grace.h
gThat
has nothing to do with it,h he reassured her. gIt could have happened to anybody.h
gBut
I set myself up for it, didnft I?
If I hadnft tricked you into going outside in the first place in hopes
of going somewhere, then it probably wouldnft have happened c.h
The
girl seemed unusually insecure, suddenly vulnerable as she had never been
before; it had always been she who seemed to be in complete control of the
situations, of her words, of her world.
But now the tide had turned, and it was her time to be carried in the
currents of someone elsefs defined destiny.
Ryan
held onto her hand instinctively and asked her if she wanted something to
drink. She nodded, and he left the
room. With painstaking care, she
pressed against the ground with her palm until she could finally sit up. The room was completely bland. Not a hint of character or hobby
anywhere. Nothing was distinctly
missing, save for the heart of the room.
All the objects seemed to be there only to serve as a diversion. There were a couple shirts and pants hanging up on the walls, textbooks on the bookshelves, a floor lamp, a small pot with an aloe plant in it. But they were things to look at, so as not to look at something else.
It
was the closet – Renée was sure of it.
Ryan had taken the care to clean up most of the room, but he had left a
pile of stuff in front of that closet.
Curious, she stood up and walked towards the closet, experiencing a
rather unpleasant headrush. She
gagged but quickly recuperated, trying to minimize how much sound she was
making.
The
towel rack was pushed safely to the side, and she bent over to open the closet
when the door swung open.
gWait,
what are you doing?!h shouted Ryan, nearly spilling the hot cocoa he had
prepared for her. gDonft open
that!h
gOh,
and why not?h asked Renée with a devious, twisted grin. g eSpecialf DVDs?h
gN-no,
thatfs not it!h
gThen
what is it?f
gJust
donft!h Ryan said with an expected fury that made even Renée frown. gJust donft,h he said again, this time
more calmly. He held out the mug
of hot cocoa in her direction, but she declined it, pushing his hand aside and
walking towards him.
gYour
room looks terrible, did you know that?h asked Renée. gItfs a mess.h
gBut
I just cleaned it!h said Ryan.
gJust
because a roomfs clean, doesnft mean it isnft a mess,h said Renée, following
Ryanfs earlier pattern. gItfs a
mess because I think something here,h she said, poking a finger into Ryanfs
ribcage, gis a mess. Now, I want
to know whatfs in that closet.
gLook,
I donft care if there are pictures of me in the shower in that closet,h she
continued, gor if youfre hiding ten bottles of vodka, or if itfs a pet youfve
been secretly keeping in this dorm against the rules. But if you donft tell me whatfs in there, Ifm going to go
take a look myself.h
gItfs
my property, so itfs my business,h said Ryan.
gOh,
it is, is it? Fine, I suppose
since itfs not my property, itfs none of my business?h
gExactly,h
said Ryan.
gThatfs
not logically valid.h
gHuh?h
asked Ryan.
Renée pulled out a piece of paper. gHere, look,h she said, sitting down
cross-legged. Ryan looked over her
shoulder. gIf p, then q,
right?h Ryan nodded. gThat means, eif not q, then not pf is
also true.h Ryan nodded
again. gBut eif not p, then not qf
is not necessarily true at all.h
Ryan nodded again. gSo,
whatfs in that closet?h
gHey!h
shouted Ryan.
gYo,
Ryan and girlfriend, tone down the argument a little in there?h called Yuri
from outside. gSome of us are
trying to nap.h
gWefre
not arguing!h said Ryan.
gYes,
we are!h said Renée.
gRyan,
your girlfriend has just proven that shefs right. You might want her to help with your math sometime. Just a suggestion, though.h
Ryan
threw up his hands in the air.
gFine! You want to know
whatfs in that closet? Ifll tell
you whatfs in that closet. But you
better not turn all weird and moody on me because of it.h
gWhy
would I c?h asked Renée.
gThe
only reason I didnft want to tell you was because I didnft want you getting all
jealous and stuff on me. The gifts
my ex gave me are in that closet.
You can go look at it, for all I care.h
gReally?h
asked Renée. gI might just take
you up on that offer.h
gOkay,
now you have to tell me whatfs in your closet.h
gOh,
I do?h said Renée, opening up the closet and pulling out a few boxes.
gYes. Wefre equals here, arenft we?h said
Ryan.
gI
suppose so,h said Renée. gSo, in
my closet, there is an encyclopedia on the top shelf. Complete set, Encyclopaedia Brittanica, 1987 edition, from
my dad. Then on the clothes
hangers, I have all my skirts, blouses, and dresses. I stuff my casual clothes into the drawers, so those arenft
hanging up. I also have a tie from
an old Halloween costume. And
below that are a few boxes. A few
of them have stuff from my ex, too.
And then waaay beneath those where nobody would ordinarily look, I have
a couple magazines my friend gave me when I told her I was feeling horny. Howfs that?h
gIfm
sorry, I didnft want to force you to tell me all that c I was just feeling -h
g-
Vengeful towards girls, who never treated you fairly before?h
gHey,
donft put words into my mouth!h said Ryan.
gBut
itfs true, isnft it? I do
sympathize, if thatfs what happened.
I donft mind telling you things like that, Ryan. I know I can trust you. I know I canft trust Yuri whofs
standing outside eavesdropping, ahem ahem,h (sure enough, awkward shuffling was
heard just outside the door), gbut I know I can trust you. And I just want you to trust me, okay?h
gI
guess,h said Ryan, softening, melting just a little bit.
gGood,h
said Renée. gNow, I know this is a
taboo topic with most girls, but itfs not today. I want you to tell me about her. Your latest ex.
You can leave out the sex – I know it was good. One of my girlfriends has already
alerted me to the fact that eeven if he says the sex was bad, the sex was
good.f But I want to know about
your heart, and what she did to it.h
gWhy?h
gBecause
I like you. And because I want you
to like me, but you canft until you get over this. Itfs been obvious since day one that youfre still not over
something. The way you tried to
escape from the coffeeshop; the way you glanced around that park, only
half-assedly looking for me (and missing me completely); the way youfre acting
now, as if your exfs gifts were some sort of undead zombie haunting your closet!h
gWell,
this is my first time talking about this.
It might take awhile.h
gTake
your time. I wasnft planning on
getting back to my home till late tonight, anyway.h
Renée
finally took the mug from Ryanfs hand, taking in a generous draught of the
warm, sweet goodness. gMm, this is
delicious.h
Ryan
smiled and relaxed a bit more, trying to settle in before starting his
story. The sun, behind the clouds,
began to set.
gSo
her name was Ophelia, and she was the most amazing girl I had ever met. Really, the best there ever was. She would help me whenever I needed
help, she would take me out to lots of cool places. She even got along well with my parents and convinced them
to buy me a lot of the things I wanted.
gIn
a way, I felt inferior to her. I
mean, I tried my hardest. I did
what I could for her, and I bought her the gifts on the list that her
girlfriends slipped to me.
Especially that necklace with the blue gemstone. She really loved that one.h
Renée
let out a small laugh and a small belch at the same time. gUm, excuse me! Go on, go on.h
Ryan
shook his head. The pleasant aroma
of the chocolate reached his nose as Renée blew gently on the surface to cool
it down. gSo, it was all going
well, but I thought that maybe I wasnft enough to satisfy her. And c,h he said, trailing off.
He
swallowed tightly and retied his shoelaces while Renée happily lapped up some
more of the hot chocolate.
gAnd
c,h he started again, his face darkening somewhat, gI was right. She had been two-timing me with a handsome
upperclassman. And that was
that. I donft know if it was fair,
but I dumped her right then and there.
The girl who I didnft deserve – I dumped her. Isnft that ironic? And Ifve been dreaming about it ever
since. But I canft bring myself to
admit that I should have given her another chance.h
gMmhmm,h
said Renée. gWell, she was
two-timing you, as you said. Why
would she deserve another chance?h
gBecause
maybe the best girl who ever was might still have been a young girl then. I made my share of mistakes. Maybe she had to make hers.h
gYoufre
a nice guy, you know that?h asked Renée.
gBut you shouldnft always be nice.
Ifm sure that deep down, therefs another voice than this one that says
to be nice to her. Isnft there?h
gYes,h
Ryan whispered. gIt hates her for
doing that.h
gMaybe
you should indulge it. This
Ophelia is far away, anyway.
Just shout it out! eI
haaaaate you. Youfre a piece of
inteessssstine!f Try it,h said
Renée, her hands sweating slightly so that the mug nearly slipped out of her
hands. She set it down gently onto
the carpet.
gI
donft know if thatfll help,h said Ryan.
gHmm,h
said Renée, scratching her chin.
gThen I think I have another idea.
You see these two boxes of stuff?h
gYeah?h
said Ryan.
gI
see a lot of letters poking out here.
And pictures and stuff.h
gSo?h
gWhat
do they have in common?h
gTheyfre romantic?h offered
Ryan.
gMrr-rr,h said Renée,
imitating a gameshow rejection buzzer.
gTheyfre flammable! Letfs
burn them!h she announced with glee.
gYou have matches somewhere, right?h
gWell,
Yuri next door is the local pyromaniac.
He has a lighter we could use, I suppose.h
gPerfecto!h
exclaimed Renée. gCome on, come
on, letfs do it then.h
gPsh! And you said you werenft the jealous
type, Ms. Letfs-burn-up-your-exfs-stuff.h
Renée
pouted, putting her hands on her hips.
gNow, now, Ifm not being jealous,h she said, looking at Ryan straight in
the eyes. gThis is for her, too! Donft you want her to be able to move
on, wherever she is, and not have to worry about you still holding on to
something of her?h
For
the first time, Ryan saw the irises of Renéefs eyes. They were a brilliant green that complemented her short
brown hair very well. They were
daring, witty, beautiful in a clever way.
And Renée looked even the more vibrant with Yurifs elaborately decorated
lighter in hand.
Although
he never replied, Renée pressed on.
gAlright, you grab one box, and Ifll get the other. Unless you donft want to do this.h
Ryan
contemplated for a moment, then smiled.
gActually, I think I really do.h
gThatfs
the spirit,h said Renée.
The
two marched out of the building like two penguins proudly seeking the sea. For the first time in years, Ryan was
just enjoying himself, chatting idly, taking weird shortcuts that more often
than not didnft work. The two
ended up in a secluded spot, shaded by buildings and trees. And there, they began unpacking the
boxes.
gHere,
do the honors,h Renée said, handing Ryan the lighter. She piled a few leaves and sticks into the center of a small
crater in the snow. With a simple
click, the flame slithered onto the piece of paper and sank its fangs into its
delicate constitution. The
blackened paper consumed by the luminosity of death by fire drifted to the
ground where the cradle in the ice began to blaze.
Ryan
unfolded another letter. gOur date
at the beach. Wait a second, it
was a double date, and he was there!h He chucked the partially unfolded letter into the fire,
exhaling slowly.
gOoh, this photo,h said Renée, pulling the small dog-eared photo out from her box. gYou two look kind of cute together here, actually.h
gYeah,
shefs kissing me on the cheek. I
guess she was saving the kiss on the lips for him.h
gWell,
guess that one goes too, then!h said Renée tossing the photo like a frisbee.
Ryan
was right in front of the flame; Renée was a little bit off from being directly
across from him. Their faces
glowed a bit, but it was hard to make out the faces through the flames and
smoke. By now, at least half of
the boxesf contents had been thrown into the flame. Little by little, Ryan felt his life returning to him,
snatched back as the arteries that had burst open when his heart broke back
then were finally sealed by the flamesf sterilizing caress.
gRenée
c thank you,h Ryan said, a few tears dripping out from his eyes onto the
snow. No more words were spoken
after that for fifteen full minutes, as the rest of the contents went into the
flame, save for one.
gWhat
are you waiting for?h asked Renée.
gWe canft stay out here too long – we might get caught or something!h
gWell,
this is the last letter c she sent me.h
gO-oh?h
Renée said with a neutral tone of voice that was not quite as low as before.
gYeah,
it was c after c afterwards. I c I
wanted to know what it said, but I never opened it. But before I burn it, maybe c maybe it deserves to be
read. I think I at least owe her
that much.h
gThen
read it, or throw it away, whatever,h was Renéefs curt reply.
I
donft know when youfll read this c if ever at all. But maybe you will, and thatfs enough for me. I hope that you are doing okay
now. Ifve tried to make myself
scarce these past two weeks, so I donft think youfve had to see me at all.
I
wanted to convince myself that you overreacted, that what I did wasnft that
bad. I wanted to blame you for
dumping me like that without even listening to me. Yet my conscience wouldnft let me. I still love you.
I didnft love him – I just lusted after him. But I loved you.
I
wanted you to know that. I wanted
you to know that I want to still be here for you. I want
to tell you to forget about him, to put that behind us. I guess I might be wishing for too
much.h
Ryan
sniffled slightly. gShe was nice
down to the very end. Never said a
cruel word to me. I guess I should
hurry and not be making comments to myself.h
Renée
nodded vaguely through the flames.
gIf
you canft forget it, then so be it.
But just know that I –h
Suddenly,
a gust of wind from the nearby shore flew in and snatched the letter, thinly
held between Ryanfs hands, and condemned it to the fire, which flickered,
pretended to stop, then restarted again, consuming the read and unread words
indiscriminately.
gDammit,h
said Ryan, collapsing onto the ground, holding his hands to his face.
gItfs
okay,h said Renée, approaching him.
gI
wanted to c at least c you know, finish reading it. But maybe this is why I wasnft enough in the first
place. I canft hold on to what I
have.h
gIf
it really means that much to you, Ryan, I must admit that I peeked at your closet
before you got back and read the rest,h said Renée. gIt went kind of like this:
gIf
you canft forget it, then so be it.
But just know that I am very, very sorry. More sorry than Ifve ever been before. You were my first love, the one who
showed me that warmth and love are more important than grades or popularity,
the one who made me realize who I really was, what I was really capable of
doing.
gI loved you, I loved you
more than anything else in this world.
I was still young when I told you that I would care about you forever
and stay by your side forever. But
thatfs what I intend on doing. You
kept your promises to me. I was
selfish and didnft keep mine to you.
gBut
it wouldnft make sense that, having broken my promise, I would have the right
to just break all the rest of the promises at once. So I will be here, for you, waiting. For that day when you read this, and
decide – decide to tell me you donft want me here at all. Or decide to tell me c that youfll give
me c one ... more c chan-h
With
this, Renée fell onto Ryanfs shoulder, sobbing softly.
gYou
idiot,h said Ryan. gYou opened my
closet and read the letter, my ass.h
He
wrapped his arms around the girl, who was, for a second time, so frail in his
arms. The flames had healed his bleeding
wounds, but they had only hurt her more.
The wind quickly took note of the situation and smothered the flame,
leaving the two of them arranged awkwardly in the snow as the sun finally set
beneath the horizon.
For
a long, indeterminate time, the two were just there. Renée finally stopped crying and crinkled her nose
slightly, sneezing onto Ryanfs defenseless face.
gOh,
shit, sorry,h she managed between hiccups. gAnyway, youfre free now, Ryan.h Another hiccup.
gI donft know what I came here to do, but I know that what I came to do
is done.h
She
leaned in and kissed him on the lips.
gI
will fly away now.h
She
unzipped her jacket and let it drop to the ground as she moved towards the gray
moon. Ryan watched as she walked
awkwardly in those boots too big for her, her hair tossing about, and moonlight
beaming down, teasing her shirt and chin, and then finally illuminating the
blue gemstone at the nape of her neck.
She
was running to the best of her ability.
The snow was thick and heavy, and she was shivering from the cold. She was a mess, but it felt good as the
tears washed away the make-up, as the hair began to shift back to its natural
color, as she sang out in her ordinary voice. She was finally free, too. Because he had finally read it, and he had finally made his
decision.
On
the one hand, she felt a little empty now that the ordeal was done and suddenly
she was alone again without the constant thoughts and worries. But it was still relieving and
comforting in its own way. She
turned into the coffeeshop. It was
getting late, but there were still a few people there. They let her in even though the shop
was formally closed.
But
she had scarcely made it in two feet when she was tackled from behind.
g
eLia, the ordinary human asks a person to make a decision in order to hear the
response.h
gAnd
Ifm ordinary?h asked Ophelia, taking a seat and gesturing for Ryan to take one
as well.
gNo. Ordinary people also donft randomly
take off their jackets in freezing weather,h he said, handing her the white
jacket that he had picked up off the snow.
gSo,
why have you accosted me in this coffeeshop?h Ophelia asked flippantly.
gDonft
be so sour!h Ryan exclaimed. gI
think itfs unfair for a boy to chance upon his girlfriend and have it be called
eaccosting.f h
gChancing
upon his ex is an entirely different matter,h Ophelia deadpanned.
gAnd
how do I rectify that?h
gYou
have to undump me.h
gI
have to what?!h exclaimed Ryan.
gUndump
me! U-N-D-U-rrghh
Ophelia
was unable to pronounce the gMh properly because her lips were suddenly
acquainted with Ryanfs. gI love
you,h he said. gThere, youfve been
undumped, you weirdo.h
The
coffeeshop broke into applause as the two stood up, beamed for a moment, then
left. There was still a lot of
catching up to do. They rushed off
into the distance, tripping a lot, catching each other a lot, and whispering gI
love youh to one another a lot.
All the way back. And
although they didnft hit the park, one could confidently say that any passerby
would have seen, in the central amphitheater, an ice statue of a cat, with a
white sheltering cloth blown off and resting at its left paw, very nearly
symmetric, the most brilliant ice sculpture of them all.
Fin