I Hate You Syndrome!
Act I, Scene I.† A flower garden on Earth.
Teacher.††††††††††† Everyone stay together, okay?† We donít want you to get lost.
Mariel.††††††††††† ††††††††††† [whispering aside to Ariel] Whatís that guy doing over there?
Ariel.†† ††††††††††† [loudly] WHO?
Mariel.††††††††††† ††††††††††† [urgently] Shh, shh!!
Teacher.††††††††††† [chiding] Mariel, donít be so loud-mouthed all the time!† Itís unseemly.
Mariel.††††††††††† ††††††††††† [makes lip movements without saying anything out loud]
Teacher.†††††††† Oh oh, Mariel, what are we going to do about you?† No one can ever hear you when you try to talk Ö
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [spots suspicious looking person hiding in the rose bushes]† (I wonder what heís doing?) [the person tiptoes around the bush in a crouched stance, but his efforts of concealment are in vain because his hair is bobbing up and down out of the bush]† Halloooo!!† [figure quickens pace around the rose bush, frantically]† Hi, I said!! [figure drops to the ground] [Ariel stares in disbelief]
Mariel.††††††††††† Youíve killed him.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [gesturing wildly to deny claim]
Mariel.††††††††††† Face the truth.† You killed him!
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [teary-eyed] But .. but Ö
Mariel.††††††††††† [practically roaring]† YOU KILLED HIM!!
Teacher.†††††††† Mariel, SHUT UP ALREADY!
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [rushes over towards the fallen person.† Suddenly, the person stands up and, in a monstrous feat, chomps and swallows the rose plant]† Ö [Ariel stops in her tracks, a few feet from the person]† Um, are you alright?
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [reaches out to help the person up from the ground]† Did I startle you?
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [dumbfounded]† Need healing or something?
Person.††††††††††† Ungh, ungh.† *cough*† Hi?
Ariel.†††††††††††††† Er, are you okay now?
Person.††††††††††† Oh, this sort of thing always happens.† It comes standard with eating rose bushes.† Thorns, ya know.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [frowning] Itís not very nice to eat rose bushes, especially other peopleís rose bushes Ö
Person.††††††††††† Ha!† And who are you to care?† Are you some kind of angel or something?
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [shakes head frantically]† No, no, of course not!† Iím just a visitor to this garden.† But I particularly liked that rose bush, and Iím saddened that you just ate it.
Person.††††††††††† Itís okay.† Itíll come out again later on.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† What do you mean by that?† You ate it, roots and all!
Person.††††††††††† Well, but you see, what goes in must come out.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [exasperated] Thatíd be a dropping, not a rose bush!
Person.††††††††††† [reasonably] But it used to be a rose bush, and it still has the same qualities as a rose bush.† Just like if you eat a sandwich, people already predict its fate by asking, ďWhy are you eating that piece of shit?Ē
Ariel.†† ††††††††††† Donít curse!
Person.††††††††††† Sheesh, you are so damn girly!
Ariel.†† ††††††††††† Am not!
Person.††††††††††† Are too!
Ariel.†††††††††††††† But honestly, donít you think itís a bit odd to be crawling around a rose bush and then eating it?
Person.††††††††††† [sagely, shaking head while folding arms] Not at all, not at all.
Ariel.†† ††††††††††† And what do you plan on doing with yourself now?
Person.††††††††††† Do you see that tulip bunch over there?
Ariel.†† ††††††††††† Yes?
Person.††††††††††† Oh, follow me, and Iíll show you.† [leads Ariel over to the tulip patch]
Ariel.†† ††††††††††† [arriving] These are so pretty!† Theyíre such exquisite colors.
Person.††††††††††† I concur.† [eats a yellow one]
Ariel.†† ††††††††††† [in horror] What is wrong with you??† Are you .. an addict?
Person.††††††††††† I donít [swallows] think so.† [eats an orange one]
Ariel.†††††††††††††† Oh cut it out already!!† These poor children of God are so helpless; why are you gobbling them up for no apparent reason?† Youíre being downright childish!
Person.††††††††††† [eats a red one]
Ariel.†††††††††††††† That one was red!
Person.††††††††††† Are you sure?† It mightíve been violet.† After all, now that itís eaten, no one will ever know.† So it couldíve been violet.† Or blue.† Or even black.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† I donít think there are such things as black tulips.
Person.††††††††††† Oh yeah?† Well if you Google ďblack tulips,Ē you certainly get results!† That proves their existence!
Ariel.†††††††††††††† But you ate a red one.† It was red.† Iím sure of that.
Person.††††††††††† Thatís because you say it in the light!† In the dark itíd be black.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† Thatís so dumb!!† Everything in the dark is black!
Person.††††††††††† [shrugs]† Itís an effective way to reduce discrimination, isnít it?
Ariel.†††††††††††††† To just turn off all the lights?
Person.††††††††††† Yeah.† [smirks]† [eats a white one striped with pink]
Ariel.†††††††††††††† Stop it, stop it, stop it!† Iíll do whatever you want if youíd just cut it out!!
Person.††††††††††† Oh?† Then letís go on a date.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† A date?!
Person.††††††††††† Yeah.† Thatís not too bad, considering all the things I couldíve asked you to do. [evil grin]
Ariel.†††††††††††††† But .. but .. if you thought about them .. wah!!† I have to date a pervert Ö .
Person.††††††††††† Iíll be paying for the meal, of course Ö
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [with a tone of compromise] At least youíre a pervert with some manners Ö.
Person.††††††††††† Ö for myself.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [sarcastically] Oh, you are so smooth.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† Are you sure Iím supposed to be here?† I know I had something else to do, but I canít remember it!
Person.††††††††††† Oh, you were on some sort of field trip thing when you made me die.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† Youíre not dead!
Person.††††††††††† Well, but I seemed dead.† Itís close enough.† When you consider the number of significant figures, well, you see, the classifications go as such: ďDead Ė as a doornail, Dead Ė nearly, Dead Ė in spirit, Alive Ė but vegetable, Alive Ė and kicking.Ē† But if you only take five sigfigs, you get ďDeada, Deadn, Deadi, Alive, and Alive.Ē
Ariel.†††††††††††††† So you were Deadn?
Person.††††††††††† Indeed.† You are a quick one.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [blushes]† Oh, thank you.
Person.††††††††††† Since I am your boyfriend now, would you like to know my name?
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [protesting] Youíre not my boyfriend!† I donít even know your name!
Person.††††††††††† Thatís why I just offered to tell you it.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† Are you suggesting that once I know your name, you will become my boyfriend?
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [defiantly] Then I donít want to know it!
Girl.†††††††††††††††† Wow, your boyfriendís such a hunk!† Whatís his name?
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [screaming] I donít know!
Girl.†††††††††††††††† [in shock] I see Ö so itís like one of those .. one-night stands?
Girl.†††††††††††††††† Two-night stand?
Girl.†††††††††††††††† Many many night stand??
Ariel.†††††††††††††† Oh for goodnessí sake, cut it out!† Heís just my friend.
Girl.†††††††††††††††† Thatís what they all say.† Oh well, suit yourself.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [to person] Doesnít she seem just a little weird?
Person.††††††††††† [glaring at Ariel] Youíre a bit weird, too.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [elbows Person] Okay, tell me your name.
Person.††††††††††† I donít take orders.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† Oh, then maybe Iíve conveniently forgotten that weíre on a date!† Look at that hottie over there!† Iíll just go talk to him.
Person.††††††††††† [in a frantic hurry] My name is Badon, but you can make up any nickname youíd like.
Ariel.†††††††††††††† Er, Baddie?† That sounds wicked Ö
Voice over loudspeaker:††††††††††† Everyone, stop your eating!† We have just had our one millionth customer enter!† To celebrate this, weíre giving him a weekend getaway to the spectacular island beach on Mahon island!† [crowd swarms around Badon]
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [annoyed]† Badon Ö [glaring with the iciest eyes ever]
Badon.†††††††††††† [whimpering] Yes?
Ariel.†††††††††††††† The only reason you came in first .. is cuz you didnít hold the door for me!† You let it slam in my face!
Ariel.†††††††††††††† Youíre so mean!!
Voice over loudspeaker:††††††††††† Thereís only one way to resolve this conflict!† You two are to go to Mahon island and make out*cough* I meant make _up_ with each other!
Crowd.†††††††††††† Oh, what a good one!
Badon.†††††††††††† [smirking sketchily]
Ariel.†††††††††††††† [cheeks reddened out of embarrassment and rage] [crowd carries Badon and Ariel out to a limo]
Scene III.† Mahon island.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Iím supposed to be going back home now Ö I was supposed to stay with Teacher Ö Iím in so much trouble.
Badon:†††††††††††† Oh, donít worry about it, Ariel.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† I never told you my name!!† How did you know it?
Badon:†††††††††††† Your backpack says ďArielĒ on it Ö
Ariel:†††††††††††††† *sigh* I see Ö
Badon:†††††††††††† [wraps arm around Arielís shoulder]† Itíll be okay.† Youíll be home soon enough.† Just enjoy this while you can.† Say, why donít you just call your parents and tell them whatís up?† Iím sure thatíll take some weight off your shoulders, if thatís the guilt thatís eating you up.† Are you skipping school for this or something?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Nono, weíre on break.† But Ö I canít call my parents.
Badon:†††††††††††† Why† not?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† No telephone wires connect here and home Ö
Badon:†††††††††††† [confused] How in the world is that possible??† Are you dirt poor or something?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† No!† Gosh, but .. but .. you see .. [twiddles fingers]
Badon:†††††††††††† Youíre hiding something from me already Ö
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Hey!† I have a good reason to do so Ö
Badon:†††††††††††† Yeah yeah, weíre only together for this weekend anyway.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† How can you say such a thing?† You mean you were intending this to be a Ö two-night stand? †Dang it!† I shouldíve said yes to the second time that stupid girl opened her mouth to utter the phrase Ö
Badon:†††††††††††† Do you honestly want me?† Think about it!† You probably hate me more than you like me!† [munches on dandelions for effect]
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Well, you eat flowers, you curse, you donít hold the door for me, you only pay for your half of the meal .. yes, I think itís quite safe to say that I hate your guts.† Thereís no way Iíd ever want to be your girlfriend.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Ö but you love me, and that makes a lot of difference Ö
Badon:†††††††††††† _I_, love _you_?!† Who are you trying to kid?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Then tell me you donít.
Badon:†††††††††††† Of course I donít!† Youíre sweet, you put up with me, you care about your family, youíre beautiful Ö .
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Er Ö
Badon:†††††††††††† I guess Ö but itíd never work.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Oh, and why might that be?
Badon:†††††††††††† I canít tell you Ö
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Youíre hiding things from me!† Yet another thing for me to dislike about you.† Hmph.
Badon:†††††††††††† Go, dammit!† Itís your life!† You can leave whenever you please!† This little Ďhoneymooní was just a product of that stupid cafť manager.† Weíre supposed to be enjoying this Ė
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [seductively] Making o~u~t~
Badon:†††††††††††† Oh shut up.† If you donít like this, just go, go, go!† Oh wait, I take that back; for once, I actually have a generous thought.† Since you shouldíve been the millionth customer, Iíll let you stay here and enjoy the spoils, and Iíll go.† Farewell, Ariel. [starts walking towards dock]
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [emotionally] Ö wait!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [runs up to Badon and hugs him] Yeah, wait Ö damn it Ö wait Ö
Badon:†††††††††††† Is that the first time youíve ever cursed in your life?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Er, how would you know?
Badon:†††††††††††† Experienced swearers use the contraction ďdammitĒ [smirks]
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Oh how did this happen .. why am I attracted to you?
Badon:†††††††††††† Maybe youíre just doing it as a favor to me Ö
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Maybe so, maybe so.† [they hold on until they fall asleep in the subtropical sunset, dropping like dust to the sandy floor]
Act II.† Scene I.† Inside the beach house.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Ungh, did we fall asleep right here?† Itís already morning!
Badon:†††††††††††† Wow, youíre right.† Thatís pretty bad, huh. *laughs*
Ariel:†††††††††††††† *giggles*† Yeah, now weíre all sandy.† Wanna go into the ocean and swim for a bit to get off the sand?
Badon:†††††††††††† Sure, that sounds great.† Are you a good swimmer?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Well, my nameís the same as a mermaidís isnít it?
Badon:†††††††††††† Er, what mermaid?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† _The Little Mermaid_!† Are you deprived?
Badon:†††††††††††† Iíve never heard of it Ö
Ariel:†††††††††††††† How odd.† Oh well, but yes, I am a swimmer, heck yes.† I used to swim on my high school team.
Badon:†††††††††††† Ah, you quit?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† No, Iím in college!!† Idiot Ö
Badon:†††††††††††† Youíre that old?!† Oh well, at least you donít have wrinkles.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Iím shocked at you, Baddie!† Do you think that just because weíre here means that you can insult me like that?† [splashes water into Badonís eyes]† You totally had that coming.
Badon:†††††††††††† [starts swimming]
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Dude, you have to change into a bathing suit first Ö those pants will get all draggy and soaked.
Badon:†††††††††††† [pulls Ariel into the waves]
Ariel:†††††††††††††† But .. but .. now my pants are all draggy and soaked!
Badon:†††††††††††† Oh, quit it, okay?† You canít enjoy nature if youíre afraid of it.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [swims contentedly]
Badon:†††††††††††† [in awe] Wow, youíre fast ..
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Yeah yeah, letís race over to that palm tree!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Thatís not fair!† Weíre supposed to start at the same time!† [drags Badon back]† Be a good boy, now.
Badon: ††††††††††† [groaning to self] What have I gotten myself into Ö
Scene II.† Back in the beach house.
Ariel:†† ††††††††††† Whyís it so dark in here?
Badon:†††††††††††† Hmm, youíre right, itís daylight, but itís nearly pitch black in here.† Itís as if the window light is not even existent.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Yeah, very very dark.† Except, there seems to be a bit of light.
Badon:†††††††††††† [glancing around, he suddenly opens his eyes in surprise] Youíre glowing!!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† I am?† I canít even see you at all Ö
Badon:†††††††††††† You are so hiding something.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† So are you!
Badon:†††††††††††† On the count of three, and letís both be out with it!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† But I know youíll cheat and not say anything!† I have no reason to trust you on your word!
Badon:†††††††††††† What can I do .. to make you trust me?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Maybe try proving it?!
Badon:†††††††††††† Okay.† Let yourself fall, and hold your hands together so that you canít break your fall.† I will catch you.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† This is your word?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [drops in a strange diagonal direction that makes it very hard for Badon to catch her]
Badon:†††††††††††† [swiftly glides over to Arielís side and catches her]
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Wow, how did you do that?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Iím an angel!†† / Badon:††††††††† Iím a demon!
Badon:†††††††††††† We are so done for.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† You telliní me?
Badon:†††††††††††† No wonder youíre so sickeningly sweet.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† No wonder you treat me like dung.
[the two hug each other tightly]
Ariel & Badon: [whispering] No wonder I love you.
Scene III.† Same place, same time.
Voice:††††††††††††† [aggressively] Halt!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Wah!† What should we do?
Badon:†††††††††††† Run! Hide!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† No, stupid demon!† You have to confront them and face the consequences!
Badon:†††††††††††† Run .. hide .. run .. hide ..
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Come _on_!
[loud knocking on door]
Badon:†††††††††††† We ought to consider running -
Badon:†††††††††††† Let me finish!† - or hiding.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† No running.
Badon:†††††††††††† I offered hiding, too!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† No hiding, either, you lame coward.
Badon:†††††††††††† Oh yeah?!† Iíll show you whoís a coward!† [rushes forward into the door and gets smacked by it when it falls down]
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Ah!!† Are you alright?
Officials:††††††††† Alright, hold it right there, angel and demon.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [stands still with hands up]
Badon:†††††††††††† [crushed by door]
Officials:††††††††† For this monstrous love affair you two have struck up, you are first both exiled from Heaven and Hell, respectively.† As in, no going back.† No visits.† No nothing.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [tears welling up from melancholy]
Badon:†††††††††††† [tears welling up from weight of door]
Officials:††††††††† And, I place this curse on you.† Oh, youíll have your dreams come true and youíll stay together for life, and even get married.
Officials:††††††††† With one catch, and Iím sure youíll love this one [smiles sadistically].† Every night, you will suddenly have this feeling of utter loathing of the other, and you will make it known, loud and clear, that you hate him or her.
Badon:†††††††††††† [full-out crying now.† The door is heavy]
Officials:††††††††† So long, ďlucky couple.Ē
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Why, of all creatures,
Badon:†††††††††††† Must we be cursed with,
Ariel & Badon: This horrendous ďI Hate You SyndromeĒ ?!
Act III.† Scene I.†
Ariel:†††††††††††††† We need to think about the future.
Badon:†††††††††††† Before dusk.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Yeah, before dusk.
Badon:†††††††††††† So, what about the future?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† How are we going to subsist?† We have no diplomas here, no records, no birth certificates, no nothing.
Badon:†††††††††††† We can just create our identities.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Forge them?!
Badon:†††††††††††† How else?† People wonít believe that we have no birth record Ė weíd be as good as alien toast.† Shipped back across the border Ė deported!† But wherever weíre deported to, _those_ people would reject us, and weíd be on a deportation romp around the world!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† But .. itís dishonest to forge documents Ö
Badon:†††††††††††† We need jobs, donít we?† To get jobs, we need documents.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Oh, fine!† Do it, then.
Badon:†††††††††††† Donít shove all the work on me just so that you can be blameless!† Just because I do the deception doesnít mean that you arenít responsible for it, too.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† The sunís setting now.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Who knows whatíll happen Ö but alright, I accept I accept.† Iíll forge my own papers, and you forge your own.† Where do you want to work?† I think we should stick together.
Badon:†††††††††††† How about a fast-food restaurant?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† A .. fast-food .. restaurant ..?
Badon:†††††††††††† Why not?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† I guess thatís okay Ö
Badon:†††††††††††† Fine then, itís settled.† After tonight, weíre outta here.† We gotta live somewhere.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [gazing out the window] Yeah Ö
Badon:†††††††††††† Where will we go?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† A park or something.† We can sleep on the benches.
Badon:†††††††††††† Iím not that lowly!† Iím going to go steal away into someoneís attic and spend the night there.† We could have running water!† Just think of it!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Thereís no way Iím going to acquiesce to that stupid plan!
Badon:†††††††††††† Why not?† We can both fly, we can both become soundless and invisible.† Thereís nothing stopping us!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Thatís not the point!† We could kill everyone in this neighborhood and take all their jewerly and live in comfort for the rest of our lives, by your stupid standards!† Just because we have the power to, doesnít mean weíre entitled to, and thereís no way on this Earth or in Heaven or in Hell that Iím going to stoop to that level and sneak into someoneís house!
Badon:†††††††††††† Oh, youíre just being prissy now.† Whoís it gonna hurt?† Water, feh, thatís worth a few cents; we wonít mess up the attic, and we certainly arenít _killing_ anything.† Weíd just be lodging for a night.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Why donít you care at all?!† [eyes glistening]† How can you call yourself anything worthy of being under the eyes of God when you canít even be man enough to stand up for your own integrity!
Badon:†††††††††††† Feh, bullshit.† What do I care about God?† Haha, heís just a stupid placeholder standing in the way of progress.† You think youíre all so high and mighty now, defending your principles.† Well let me tell you something about love: I love you, and I want you to be fed and clothed and sheltered, and Iím going to do whatever the hell I want to meet that objective, even if it means trespassing or stealing or even killing.† _That_ is love.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Then I donít need your love!† Love is for everyone; love is sharing, love is _asking_ the person for lodging in return for some chore-work, and love is them accepting your request.† You donít love me.† The only thing you love is your own hairy self.† You hate me, donít you?
Badon:†††††††††††† Hell yeah I hate you!† That feeling overshadows love any day.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Well great!† I hate you, too!† I hate your stupid broiling maggot-filled immoral heart, if there even is one inside of you!
Badon:†††††††††††† Your pretty-ass sterile white wings .. ooh ooh, I bet youíre afraid of getting them dirty!† Youíd stand by and talk friendship with someone attacking me, and thatíd be all noble, _and_ your wings would still be that pretty ass-white!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [with all her beauty turned frigid and her voice piercingly hostile] Go away.
Badon:†††††††††††† I think I will, dumbass angel girl!† [stomps away]
Scene II.† Badon alone in the guest room.
Badon:†††††††††††† What Ö what was that?† The sunís gone Ė was that the curse?† It mustíve been the curse!† Iíd never say things like that to Ariel, not when I know I couldnít live here without her, not when I know sheís so pure at heart.† I should go talk to her again .. I really should Ö
Scene III.† Ariel alone in the bedroom.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Crap, what got into me there?† Iím an angel .. angels should always love everyone else, even demons!† Thatís what it means to be an angel, to be angelic, to have the love of God and to spread it, even in the darkest of corners, even in the most empty of hearts.† The curse .. it took a hold of me .. tomorrow, Iíll make it up to him.
Scene IV.† The next morning, in the kitchen.
[Badon enters to see Ariel cooking something in a pan]
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [humming a lullaby]† Mmhmm?
Badon:†††††††††††† (Has she forgotten about last night?)† Ariel.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† My name hasnít changed, Baddie.
Badon:†††††††††††† Ariel, Iím sorry about the curse yesterday.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [still not turning around] Oh, itís no big deal.† I knew it was the curse, so thatís why I donít hold any of it against you.† I looked up some restaurants and I think that Nimbletonís downtown is hiring.† I drew up resumes for us so we should be fine.
Badon:†††††††††††† But you donít know any of my information for that?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Oh, itís fine, weíre supposed to make it up anyway, right?† Donít worry, you come across as someone simply stellar, but not enough so that people will make a big fuss about it.
Badon:†††††††††††† Thank you, Ariel.† So, whatcha cookiní?
Badon:†††††††††††† Nothing else?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† What did you expect?† Filet mignon?
Badon:†††††††††††† Well Ö sausages Ö bacon Ö
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Tsk, tsk!!† The poor pigs .. and oh the risk of arteriosclerosis Ö
Badon:†††††††††††† Pigs pigs, we grow them to eat them.† The pigs grow the mush to eat it, we grow the pigs to eat them.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Aww, have a little more sympathy!† [turns around and chucks a chunk of fried potato at Badonís face]† Catch!
Badon:†††††††††††† [gets hit in the nose by the potato]† Hoooooot!† [does a granny shot and throws it back towards Ariel, hitting her on the forehead]
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Eep!!!† Hot hot hot!!† [throws it back at Badonís mouth]
Badon:†††††††††††† Ack!!† Chhrkng!!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [in alarm] Oh dear!!† [bangs Badon on the head with the pan, causing him to swallow and sending the breakfast potatoes flying upwards]
Badon:†††††††††††† Huuhhh uffff Ö too early .. for flirting ..
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [frowning]† The potatoes are all strewn on the floor now.† Whatíll we ever do?
Badon:†††††††††††† Eat them.† [picks one off the ground]
Badon:†††††††††††† Weíre supernatural!† We wonít get sick from it, silly!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Oh really Ö well then, suit yourself.† Iím going to go for a walk on the beach.† Iíll see you later, okay, Badon?
Baddon:†††††††††† [munching on potatoes off the floor and waving] Uh-hrrm, shrr thng.
Scene V.† Two hours later.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [entering the house]† Heyyy!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [blinking]† Ah, Badon, is something the matter?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [narrowing eyes and glaring]† Ha!† I told you you shouldnítíve eaten the potatoes off the ground, but nooo, you have to be all macho and do it anyway!† Now, get your butt over to the couch and Iíll heal you.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Oh, this is something you little ďfallen onesĒ totally miss out on!
[Badon lies down on the couch]
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [tickles Badon]† There!
Badon:†††††††††††† Ugh, that did nothing!† This is total quack!
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Ah, j/k, j/k.† [closes eyes and causes a faint blue beam to gently enter Badon]
Badon:†††††††††††† Ah?† And like that, Iím fine?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† [shrugs] I think so.† Itís a pretty standard thing for angels to learn, since people are always getting beat up.† They donít realize it, and they think that their wounds are so bad, but that is nowhere near as bad as they would be if we didnít abate every wound.
Badon:†††††††††††† Is that so?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Yeah, of course thatís so!† But since every bacterium is a creature, it takes a lot of work to get rid of them, you know!
Badon:†††††††††††† Yeah yeah, well, thanks.† We have to be outta this house by 7, right?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Thatís right.† Letís pack up our stuff, then.
Badon:†††††††††††† Tonight, where are we staying Ö
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Waugh .. last night ..
Badon:†††††††††††† Yeah .. last night ..
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Well Ö
Badon:†††††††††††† Letís hide in the library.† Itís a public place, so we wonít be imposing on anyone.
Ariel:†††††††††††††† I guess thatís reasonable enough.† And tomorrow letís try to get a job.
Badon:†††††††††††† Okay, now that thatís planned, what should we do for the rest of the day?
Ariel:†††††††††††††† I know!† Letís build a sand castle on the beach!
Badon:†††††††††††† [rolling eyes] You are totally unlike any of the girls I met back home Ö
Ariel:†††††††††††††† Ö NO!!!† Out, out!† You are totally NEVER EVER no way Jose just die already!
Badon:†††††††††††† Iíve never met such a violent virgin before Ö
Ariel:†††††††††††††† DIE, PERVERT!† [thwacks Badon with a good deal of violence]
Act IV.† Scene I.† The Library
Badon.†††††††††††† Alright, what section appeals to you?
Ariel.†††††††††††††† Um, no idea.
Badon.†††††††††††† [slyly] How about the horror section then?
Ariel.†††††††††††††† Iím not that stupid!!†
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