I Hate You Syndrome!

Act I, Scene I. A flower garden on Earth.

Teacher. Everyone stay together, okay? We don’t want you to get lost.

Mariel. [whispering aside to Ariel] What’s that guy doing over there?

Ariel. [loudly] WHO?

Mariel. [urgently] Shh, shh!!

Teacher. [chiding] Mariel, don’t be so loud-mouthed all the time! It’s unseemly.

Mariel. [makes lip movements without saying anything out loud]

Teacher. Oh oh, Mariel, what are we going to do about you? No one can ever hear you when you try to talk …

Ariel. [spots suspicious looking person hiding in the rose bushes] (I wonder what he’s doing?) [the person tiptoes around the bush in a crouched stance, but his efforts of concealment are in vain because his hair is bobbing up and down out of the bush] Halloooo!! [figure quickens pace around the rose bush, frantically] Hi, I said!! [figure drops to the ground] [Ariel stares in disbelief]

Mariel. You’ve killed him.

Ariel. [gesturing wildly to deny claim]

Mariel. Face the truth. You killed him!

Ariel. [teary-eyed] But .. but …

Mariel. [practically roaring] YOU KILLED HIM!!

Teacher. Mariel, SHUT UP ALREADY!

Ariel. [rushes over towards the fallen person. Suddenly, the person stands up and, in a monstrous feat, chomps and swallows the rose plant] … [Ariel stops in her tracks, a few feet from the person] Um, are you alright?

Person. Unnngh.

Ariel. [reaches out to help the person up from the ground] Did I startle you?

Person. Unnngh.

Ariel. [dumbfounded] Need healing or something?

Person. Ungh, ungh. *cough* Hi?

Ariel. Er, are you okay now?

Person. Oh, this sort of thing always happens. It comes standard with eating rose bushes. Thorns, ya know.

Ariel. [frowning] It’s not very nice to eat rose bushes, especially other people’s rose bushes …

Person. Ha! And who are you to care? Are you some kind of angel or something?

Ariel. [shakes head frantically] No, no, of course not! I’m just a visitor to this garden. But I particularly liked that rose bush, and I’m saddened that you just ate it.

Person. It’s okay. It’ll come out again later on.

Ariel. What do you mean by that? You ate it, roots and all!

Person. Well, but you see, what goes in must come out.

Ariel. [exasperated] That’d be a dropping, not a rose bush!

Person. [reasonably] But it used to be a rose bush, and it still has the same qualities as a rose bush. Just like if you eat a sandwich, people already predict its fate by asking, “Why are you eating that piece of shit?”

Ariel. Don’t curse!

Person. Sheesh, you are so damn girly!

Ariel. Am not!

Person. Are too!

Ariel. But honestly, don’t you think it’s a bit odd to be crawling around a rose bush and then eating it?

Person. [sagely, shaking head while folding arms] Not at all, not at all.

Ariel. And what do you plan on doing with yourself now?

Person. Do you see that tulip bunch over there?

Ariel. Yes?

Person. Oh, follow me, and I’ll show you. [leads Ariel over to the tulip patch]

Ariel. [arriving] These are so pretty! They’re such exquisite colors.

Person. I concur. [eats a yellow one]

Ariel. [in horror] What is wrong with you?? Are you .. an addict?

Person. I don’t [swallows] think so. [eats an orange one]

Ariel. Oh cut it out already!! These poor children of God are so helpless; why are you gobbling them up for no apparent reason? You’re being downright childish!

Person. [eats a red one]

Ariel. That one was red!

Person. Are you sure? It might’ve been violet. After all, now that it’s eaten, no one will ever know. So it could’ve been violet. Or blue. Or even black.

Ariel. I don’t think there are such things as black tulips.

Person. Oh yeah? Well if you Google “black tulips,” you certainly get results! That proves their existence!

Ariel. But you ate a red one. It was red. I’m sure of that.

Person. That’s because you say it in the light! In the dark it’d be black.

Ariel. That’s so dumb!! Everything in the dark is black!

Person. [shrugs] It’s an effective way to reduce discrimination, isn’t it?

Ariel. To just turn off all the lights?

Person. Yeah. [smirks] [eats a white one striped with pink]

Ariel. Stop it, stop it, stop it! I’ll do whatever you want if you’d just cut it out!!

Person. Oh? Then let’s go on a date.

Ariel. A date?!

Person. Yeah. That’s not too bad, considering all the things I could’ve asked you to do. [evil grin]

Ariel. But .. but .. if you thought about them .. wah!! I have to date a pervert … .

Person. I’ll be paying for the meal, of course …

Ariel. [with a tone of compromise] At least you’re a pervert with some manners ….

Person. … for myself.

Ariel. [sarcastically] Oh, you are so smooth.

Scene II. A small cafe

Ariel. Are you sure I’m supposed to be here? I know I had something else to do, but I can’t remember it!

Person. Oh, you were on some sort of field trip thing when you made me die.

Ariel. You’re not dead!

Person. Well, but I seemed dead. It’s close enough. When you consider the number of significant figures, well, you see, the classifications go as such: “Dead – as a doornail, Dead – nearly, Dead – in spirit, Alive – but vegetable, Alive – and kicking.” But if you only take five sigfigs, you get “Deada, Deadn, Deadi, Alive, and Alive.”

Ariel. So you were Deadn?

Person. Indeed. You are a quick one.

Ariel. [blushes] Oh, thank you.

Person. Since I am your boyfriend now, would you like to know my name?

Ariel. [protesting] You’re not my boyfriend! I don’t even know your name!

Person. That’s why I just offered to tell you it.

Ariel. Are you suggesting that once I know your name, you will become my boyfriend?

Person. Precisely.

Ariel. [defiantly] Then I don’t want to know it!

Girl. Wow, your boyfriend’s such a hunk! What’s his name?

Ariel. [screaming] I don’t know!

Girl. [in shock] I see … so it’s like one of those .. one-night stands?

Ariel. No!

Girl. Two-night stand?

Ariel. NO!

Girl. Many many night stand??

Ariel. Oh for goodness’ sake, cut it out! He’s just my friend.

Girl. That’s what they all say. Oh well, suit yourself.

Ariel. [to person] Doesn’t she seem just a little weird?

Person. [glaring at Ariel] You’re a bit weird, too.

Ariel. [elbows Person] Okay, tell me your name.

Person. I don’t take orders.

Ariel. Oh, then maybe I’ve conveniently forgotten that we’re on a date! Look at that hottie over there! I’ll just go talk to him.

Person. [in a frantic hurry] My name is Badon, but you can make up any nickname you’d like.

Ariel. Er, Baddie? That sounds wicked …

Badon. Haha!

Voice over loudspeaker: Everyone, stop your eating! We have just had our one millionth customer enter! To celebrate this, we’re giving him a weekend getaway to the spectacular island beach on Mahon island! [crowd swarms around Badon]

Ariel. [annoyed] Badon … [glaring with the iciest eyes ever]

Badon. [whimpering] Yes?

Ariel. The only reason you came in first .. is cuz you didn’t hold the door for me! You let it slam in my face!

Crowd. Oooooh.

Badon. So?!

Ariel. You’re so mean!!

Voice over loudspeaker: There’s only one way to resolve this conflict! You two are to go to Mahon island and make out*cough* I meant make _up_ with each other!

Crowd. Oh, what a good one!

Badon. [smirking sketchily]

Ariel. [cheeks reddened out of embarrassment and rage] [crowd carries Badon and Ariel out to a limo]

Scene III. Mahon island.

Ariel: I’m supposed to be going back home now … I was supposed to stay with Teacher … I’m in so much trouble.

Badon: Oh, don’t worry about it, Ariel.

Ariel: I never told you my name!! How did you know it?

Badon: Your backpack says “Ariel” on it …

Ariel: *sigh* I see …

Badon: [wraps arm around Ariel’s shoulder] It’ll be okay. You’ll be home soon enough. Just enjoy this while you can. Say, why don’t you just call your parents and tell them what’s up? I’m sure that’ll take some weight off your shoulders, if that’s the guilt that’s eating you up. Are you skipping school for this or something?

Ariel: Nono, we’re on break. But … I can’t call my parents.

Badon: Why not?

Ariel: No telephone wires connect here and home …

Badon: [confused] How in the world is that possible?? Are you dirt poor or something?

Ariel: No! Gosh, but .. but .. you see .. [twiddles fingers]

Badon: You’re hiding something from me already …

Ariel: Hey! I have a good reason to do so …

Badon: Yeah yeah, we’re only together for this weekend anyway.

Ariel: How can you say such a thing? You mean you were intending this to be a … two-night stand? Dang it! I should’ve said yes to the second time that stupid girl opened her mouth to utter the phrase …

Badon: Do you honestly want me? Think about it! You probably hate me more than you like me! [munches on dandelions for effect]

Ariel: Well, you eat flowers, you curse, you don’t hold the door for me, you only pay for your half of the meal .. yes, I think it’s quite safe to say that I hate your guts. There’s no way I’d ever want to be your girlfriend.

Badon: Precisely.

Ariel: … but you love me, and that makes a lot of difference …

Badon: _I_, love _you_?! Who are you trying to kid?

Ariel: Then tell me you don’t.

Badon: Of course I don’t! You’re sweet, you put up with me, you care about your family, you’re beautiful … .

Ariel: Er …

Badon: I guess … but it’d never work.

Ariel: Oh, and why might that be?

Badon: I can’t tell you …

Ariel: You’re hiding things from me! Yet another thing for me to dislike about you. Hmph.

Badon: Go, dammit! It’s your life! You can leave whenever you please! This little ‘honeymoon’ was just a product of that stupid café manager. We’re supposed to be enjoying this –

Ariel: [seductively] Making o~u~t~

Badon: Oh shut up. If you don’t like this, just go, go, go! Oh wait, I take that back; for once, I actually have a generous thought. Since you should’ve been the millionth customer, I’ll let you stay here and enjoy the spoils, and I’ll go. Farewell, Ariel. [starts walking towards dock]

Ariel: [emotionally] … wait!

Badon: Oh?

Ariel: [runs up to Badon and hugs him] Yeah, wait … damn it … wait …

Badon: Is that the first time you’ve ever cursed in your life?

Ariel: Er, how would you know?

Badon: Experienced swearers use the contraction “dammit” [smirks]

Ariel: Oh how did this happen .. why am I attracted to you?

Badon: Maybe you’re just doing it as a favor to me …

Ariel: Maybe so, maybe so. [they hold on until they fall asleep in the subtropical sunset, dropping like dust to the sandy floor]

Act II. Scene I. Inside the beach house.

Ariel: Ungh, did we fall asleep right here? It’s already morning!

Badon: Wow, you’re right. That’s pretty bad, huh. *laughs*

Ariel: *giggles* Yeah, now we’re all sandy. Wanna go into the ocean and swim for a bit to get off the sand?

Badon: Sure, that sounds great. Are you a good swimmer?

Ariel: Well, my name’s the same as a mermaid’s isn’t it?

Badon: Er, what mermaid?

Ariel: _The Little Mermaid_! Are you deprived?

Badon: I’ve never heard of it …

Ariel: How odd. Oh well, but yes, I am a swimmer, heck yes. I used to swim on my high school team.

Badon: Ah, you quit?

Ariel: No, I’m in college!! Idiot …

Badon: You’re that old?! Oh well, at least you don’t have wrinkles.

Ariel: I’m shocked at you, Baddie! Do you think that just because we’re here means that you can insult me like that? [splashes water into Badon’s eyes] You totally had that coming.

Badon: [starts swimming]

Ariel: Dude, you have to change into a bathing suit first … those pants will get all draggy and soaked.

Badon: [pulls Ariel into the waves]

Ariel: But .. but .. now my pants are all draggy and soaked!

Badon: Oh, quit it, okay? You can’t enjoy nature if you’re afraid of it.

Ariel: [swims contentedly]

Badon: [in awe] Wow, you’re fast ..

Ariel: Yeah yeah, let’s race over to that palm tree!

Badon: [starts]

Ariel: That’s not fair! We’re supposed to start at the same time! [drags Badon back] Be a good boy, now.

Badon: [groaning to self] What have I gotten myself into …

Scene II. Back in the beach house.

Ariel: Why’s it so dark in here?

Badon: Hmm, you’re right, it’s daylight, but it’s nearly pitch black in here. It’s as if the window light is not even existent.

Ariel: Yeah, very very dark. Except, there seems to be a bit of light.

Badon: [glancing around, he suddenly opens his eyes in surprise] You’re glowing!!

Ariel: I am? I can’t even see you at all …

Badon: You are so hiding something.

Ariel: So are you!

Badon: On the count of three, and let’s both be out with it!

Ariel: But I know you’ll cheat and not say anything! I have no reason to trust you on your word!

Badon: What can I do .. to make you trust me?

Ariel: Maybe try proving it?!

Badon: Okay. Let yourself fall, and hold your hands together so that you can’t break your fall. I will catch you.

Ariel: This is your word?

Badon: Yes.

Ariel: [drops in a strange diagonal direction that makes it very hard for Badon to catch her]

Badon: [swiftly glides over to Ariel’s side and catches her]

Ariel: Wow, how did you do that?

Badon: One.

Ariel: Two.

Badon: Three.

Ariel: I’m an angel! / Badon: I’m a demon!

Badon: Crap.

Ariel: Ugh.

Badon: We are so done for.

Ariel: You tellin’ me?

Badon: No wonder you’re so sickeningly sweet.

Ariel: No wonder you treat me like dung.

[the two hug each other tightly]

Ariel & Badon: [whispering] No wonder I love you.

~attacca~

Scene III. Same place, same time.

Voice: [aggressively] Halt!

Ariel: Wah! What should we do?

Badon: Run! Hide!

Ariel: No, stupid demon! You have to confront them and face the consequences!

Badon: Run .. hide .. run .. hide ..

Ariel: Come _on_!

[loud knocking on door]

Badon: We ought to consider running -

Ariel: No!

Badon: Let me finish! - or hiding.

Ariel: No running.

Badon: I offered hiding, too!

Ariel: No hiding, either, you lame coward.

Badon: Oh yeah?! I’ll show you who’s a coward! [rushes forward into the door and gets smacked by it when it falls down]

Ariel: Ah!! Are you alright?

Officials: Alright, hold it right there, angel and demon.

Ariel: [stands still with hands up]

Badon: [crushed by door]

Officials: For this monstrous love affair you two have struck up, you are first both exiled from Heaven and Hell, respectively. As in, no going back. No visits. No nothing.

Ariel: [tears welling up from melancholy]

Badon: [tears welling up from weight of door]

Officials: And, I place this curse on you. Oh, you’ll have your dreams come true and you’ll stay together for life, and even get married.

Ariel: Ah?

Officials: With one catch, and I’m sure you’ll love this one [smiles sadistically]. Every night, you will suddenly have this feeling of utter loathing of the other, and you will make it known, loud and clear, that you hate him or her.

Ariel: What?!

Badon: [full-out crying now. The door is heavy]

Officials: So long, “lucky couple.”

Ariel: Why, of all creatures,

Badon: Must we be cursed with,

Ariel & Badon: This horrendous “I Hate You Syndrome” ?!

Act III. Scene I.

Ariel: We need to think about the future.

Badon: Before dusk.

Ariel: Yeah, before dusk.

Badon: So, what about the future?

Ariel: How are we going to subsist? We have no diplomas here, no records, no birth certificates, no nothing.

Badon: We can just create our identities.

Ariel: Forge them?!

Badon: How else? People won’t believe that we have no birth record – we’d be as good as alien toast. Shipped back across the border – deported! But wherever we’re deported to, _those_ people would reject us, and we’d be on a deportation romp around the world!

Ariel: But .. it’s dishonest to forge documents …

Badon: We need jobs, don’t we? To get jobs, we need documents.

Ariel: Oh, fine! Do it, then.

Badon: Don’t shove all the work on me just so that you can be blameless! Just because I do the deception doesn’t mean that you aren’t responsible for it, too.

Ariel: The sun’s setting now.

Badon: So?

Ariel: Who knows what’ll happen … but alright, I accept I accept. I’ll forge my own papers, and you forge your own. Where do you want to work? I think we should stick together.

Badon: How about a fast-food restaurant?

Ariel: A .. fast-food .. restaurant ..?

Badon: Why not?

Ariel: I guess that’s okay …

Badon: Fine then, it’s settled. After tonight, we’re outta here. We gotta live somewhere.

Ariel: [gazing out the window] Yeah …

Badon: Where will we go?

Ariel: A park or something. We can sleep on the benches.

Badon: I’m not that lowly! I’m going to go steal away into someone’s attic and spend the night there. We could have running water! Just think of it!

Ariel: There’s no way I’m going to acquiesce to that stupid plan!

Badon: Why not? We can both fly, we can both become soundless and invisible. There’s nothing stopping us!

Ariel: That’s not the point! We could kill everyone in this neighborhood and take all their jewerly and live in comfort for the rest of our lives, by your stupid standards! Just because we have the power to, doesn’t mean we’re entitled to, and there’s no way on this Earth or in Heaven or in Hell that I’m going to stoop to that level and sneak into someone’s house!

Badon: Oh, you’re just being prissy now. Who’s it gonna hurt? Water, feh, that’s worth a few cents; we won’t mess up the attic, and we certainly aren’t _killing_ anything. We’d just be lodging for a night.

Ariel: Why don’t you care at all?! [eyes glistening] How can you call yourself anything worthy of being under the eyes of God when you can’t even be man enough to stand up for your own integrity!

Badon: Feh, bullshit. What do I care about God? Haha, he’s just a stupid placeholder standing in the way of progress. You think you’re all so high and mighty now, defending your principles. Well let me tell you something about love: I love you, and I want you to be fed and clothed and sheltered, and I’m going to do whatever the hell I want to meet that objective, even if it means trespassing or stealing or even killing. _That_ is love.

Ariel: Then I don’t need your love! Love is for everyone; love is sharing, love is _asking_ the person for lodging in return for some chore-work, and love is them accepting your request. You don’t love me. The only thing you love is your own hairy self. You hate me, don’t you?

Badon: Hell yeah I hate you! That feeling overshadows love any day.

Ariel: Well great! I hate you, too! I hate your stupid broiling maggot-filled immoral heart, if there even is one inside of you!

Badon: Your pretty-ass sterile white wings .. ooh ooh, I bet you’re afraid of getting them dirty! You’d stand by and talk friendship with someone attacking me, and that’d be all noble, _and_ your wings would still be that pretty ass-white!

Ariel: [with all her beauty turned frigid and her voice piercingly hostile] Go away.

Badon: I think I will, dumbass angel girl! [stomps away]

Scene II. Badon alone in the guest room.

Badon: What … what was that? The sun’s gone – was that the curse? It must’ve been the curse! I’d never say things like that to Ariel, not when I know I couldn’t live here without her, not when I know she’s so pure at heart. I should go talk to her again .. I really should …

Scene III. Ariel alone in the bedroom.

Ariel: Crap, what got into me there? I’m an angel .. angels should always love everyone else, even demons! That’s what it means to be an angel, to be angelic, to have the love of God and to spread it, even in the darkest of corners, even in the most empty of hearts. The curse .. it took a hold of me .. tomorrow, I’ll make it up to him.

Scene IV. The next morning, in the kitchen.

[Badon enters to see Ariel cooking something in a pan]

Badon: Ariel.

Ariel: [humming a lullaby] Mmhmm?

Badon: (Has she forgotten about last night?) Ariel.

Ariel: My name hasn’t changed, Baddie.

Badon: Ariel, I’m sorry about the curse yesterday.

Ariel: [still not turning around] Oh, it’s no big deal. I knew it was the curse, so that’s why I don’t hold any of it against you. I looked up some restaurants and I think that Nimbleton’s downtown is hiring. I drew up resumes for us so we should be fine.

Badon: But you don’t know any of my information for that?

Ariel: Oh, it’s fine, we’re supposed to make it up anyway, right? Don’t worry, you come across as someone simply stellar, but not enough so that people will make a big fuss about it.

Badon: Thank you, Ariel. So, whatcha cookin’?

Ariel: Potatoes!

Badon: Nothing else?

Ariel: What did you expect? Filet mignon?

Badon: Well … sausages … bacon …

Ariel: Tsk, tsk!! The poor pigs .. and oh the risk of arteriosclerosis …

Badon: Pigs pigs, we grow them to eat them. The pigs grow the mush to eat it, we grow the pigs to eat them.

Ariel: Aww, have a little more sympathy! [turns around and chucks a chunk of fried potato at Badon’s face] Catch!

Badon: [gets hit in the nose by the potato] Hoooooot! [does a granny shot and throws it back towards Ariel, hitting her on the forehead]

Ariel: Eep!!! Hot hot hot!! [throws it back at Badon’s mouth]

Badon: Ack!! Chhrkng!!

Ariel: [in alarm] Oh dear!! [bangs Badon on the head with the pan, causing him to swallow and sending the breakfast potatoes flying upwards]

Badon: Huuhhh uffff … too early .. for flirting ..

Ariel: [frowning] The potatoes are all strewn on the floor now. What’ll we ever do?

Badon: Eat them. [picks one off the ground]

Ariel: …

Badon: We’re supernatural! We won’t get sick from it, silly!

Ariel: Oh really … well then, suit yourself. I’m going to go for a walk on the beach. I’ll see you later, okay, Badon?

Baddon: [munching on potatoes off the floor and waving] Uh-hrrm, shrr thng.

Scene V. Two hours later.

Badon: Auuuuugh.

Ariel: [entering the house] Heyyy!

Badon: Augh.

Ariel: [blinking] Ah, Badon, is something the matter?

Badon: Augh.

Ariel: [narrowing eyes and glaring] Ha! I told you you shouldn’t’ve eaten the potatoes off the ground, but nooo, you have to be all macho and do it anyway! Now, get your butt over to the couch and I’ll heal you.

Badon: Wha-?

Ariel: Oh, this is something you little “fallen ones” totally miss out on!

[Badon lies down on the couch]

Ariel: [tickles Badon] There!

Badon: Ugh, that did nothing! This is total quack!

Ariel: Ah, j/k, j/k. [closes eyes and causes a faint blue beam to gently enter Badon]

Badon: Ah? And like that, I’m fine?

Ariel: [shrugs] I think so. It’s a pretty standard thing for angels to learn, since people are always getting beat up. They don’t realize it, and they think that their wounds are so bad, but that is nowhere near as bad as they would be if we didn’t abate every wound.

Badon: Is that so?

Ariel: Yeah, of course that’s so! But since every bacterium is a creature, it takes a lot of work to get rid of them, you know!

Badon: Yeah yeah, well, thanks. We have to be outta this house by 7, right?

Ariel: That’s right. Let’s pack up our stuff, then.

Badon: Tonight, where are we staying …

Ariel: Waugh .. last night ..

Badon: Yeah .. last night ..

Ariel: Well …

Badon: Let’s hide in the library. It’s a public place, so we won’t be imposing on anyone.

Ariel: I guess that’s reasonable enough. And tomorrow let’s try to get a job.

Badon: Okay, now that that’s planned, what should we do for the rest of the day?

Ariel: I know! Let’s build a sand castle on the beach!

Badon: [rolling eyes] You are totally unlike any of the girls I met back home …

Ariel: … NO!!! Out, out! You are totally NEVER EVER no way Jose just die already!

Badon: I’ve never met such a violent virgin before …

Ariel: DIE, PERVERT! [thwacks Badon with a good deal of violence]

Act IV. Scene I. The Library

Badon. Alright, what section appeals to you?

Ariel. Um, no idea.

Badon. [slyly] How about the horror section then?

Ariel. I’m not that stupid!!

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