LA ROSE ET Lí¬NE
A Script Comedy by Justin Lo
[ event: first school orchestra rehearsal.† location: the orchestra room ]
Rose:† Lucas, why are we going outside for orchestra rehearsal?
Lucas:† Due to budget cuts, they decided to move the orchestra outside.
Rose:† What are they going to do with the old orchestra hall?
Lucas:† They said they needed more children to store space.
Lucas:† Or rather, more space to store children.
Rose:† That is an outrage!† I donít believe a word of that pishposh.† Weíll have to look into this conspiracy after rehearsal.
Lucas:† Very well, Rose.
Conductor:† Everyone, sit down in your seats, please!
Rose:† [to Lucas, in a whisper]† Lucas, I donít have a chair.
Lucas:† [in shock]† Neither do I!
Conductor:† Lucas, Iím not going to continue until you stop talking.
Lucas:† Okay.† Thank you for cooperating.† Now, where might I find a chair?
Rose:† I donít think anyone has chairs.
Violist:† I donít have a chair.
Violist #2:† Neither do I!
Lucas:† Rose, you wonít believe this.† Did you ever notice that I didnít have a chair?
Violist:† I donít have a chair.
Rose:† Why donít we look for chairs?
First Violinist:† [hopeful]† We could sit on the cellos.
Cellist:† [didactic]† Itís celli, not cellos.
First Violinist:† [hopeful]† We could sit on the celli Ö st.
Cellist:† [in horror]† I am greatly offended by your statement!
First Violinist:† Are you trying to pick a fight with a First Violinist??† Stay in your place, peasant!
Conductor:† Now, now.† Donít go fighting about grapeshot.
Rose:† WHY DONíT WE LOOK FOR SOME DAMN CHAIRS?!
Cellist #2:† I donít think we should sit on the celli.† Or the cellists.† Or me.† Iím a cellist, arenít I?
Lucas:† I found a chair.
Lucas:† Look, itís inside the old orchestra hall.
Rose:† Oh!† Yeah, thereís just one Ö chair Ö.. [trails off]
[Mob rushes towards school after the one chair.† Only Lucas, Rose, and the conductor are left standing in the grass.]
Lucas:† Now what did you say that for ..
Rose:† My bad.
[At the door to the orchestra hall, a fight breaks out.† Violins are seen.]
Lucas:† Wow, theyíre pretty desperate.
[A victor rises from the dust.† It is the bassist.]
Bassist:† Veni, vidi, vici.† [Enters the school and grabs the chair.]† [pause]† Wait a second.† If this orchestra hall is empty, why the hell are we practicing outside?
[Sounds are heard from a closet door.]
Sounds:† Woooooh.†† Woooooooh.
Bassist:† Holy shit!!† [runs out of door with chair and rejoins Rose and Lucas]
Conductor:† [disappointed]† So we have only three members this year?† [puts on glasses].† Okay, letís take roll.
[Roll is taken.† Taken is rolled.]
Conductor:† Okay, now listen carefully, because Iím only going to tell you the seating arrangement once.
Bassist:† [horrified expression] Thereís some scary shit in that room.
Rose:† Shut up, will you?
Lucas:† Woah now, donít go spreading rumors like that!
Conductor:† Rose, you sit there.† Lucas, you sit there.† Bassist, you sit there.
Bassist:† Um, I donít sit.† I stand up cuz the bass is so big.
Rose and Lucas:† [horrified]† Then why in Godís name did you go to get the chair?!
Bassist:† Uh ÖÖ
Conductor:† Very well.† Please give your chair to Lucas.† Weíll rehearse Roseís solo piece first so she doesnít have to sit.
[Bassist reluctantly gives chair up to Lucas]
Rose:† Okay.† [readies herself]
Conductor:† Actually, due to this brouhaha, I have a wonderful, splendid, just sucrose idea!
Conductor:† To save time, since, as you know, we have very limited time.† You do know, right?† Thatís what I thought.† In any case, to save time.† Now where was I?† Oh yes, to save time.† Oh!† Yes, yes, thatís right Ö
Lucas:† [falls asleep]
Conductor:† Ö to save time, we will rehearse two pieces at once!† Yes.† So Rose and Bassist, you will be rehearsing Roseís piece, which is the Brahms Violin Concerto, first movement.† Lucas, why donít you practice Beethovenís Symphony Number 9, First movement.
Lucas:† [wakes up]
Rose:† [hesistantly]† I donít know about this Ö
Bassist:† Dude, whereís my chair?
Rose:† You just gave it to Lucas.
Bassist:† You know, Rose, there was some scary shit in that room.
Rose:† Yes, youíve said so already.
Bassist:† You serious?
Lucas:† [falls asleep]
Rose:† Címon, letís play.
Conductor:† Okay.† Now I will give you all two measures for free and then you begin.
Lucas:† [wakes up]
Conductor:† One-two-three Ė
Lucas:† The song is in 2-4 time.
Rose:† No, it isnít!† Itís in 3-4 time.† Let the conductor conduct.
Conductor:† Oh.† Oh yes.† No, thatís right.† Okay.† The issue is that the Brahms is in 3-4 time but the Beethoven is in 2-4 time but I would like to subdivide that so that it is in 4-8 time.† Taking the common denominator, I will give you all five beats.
Lucas:† Is that a subdivided beat?
Rose:† Can I just start?
Conductor:† One-two-three-four-four and a half- [downbeat]
[Lucas comes in.† Rose and Bassist are silent.]
Conductor:† Stop!! Stop!!† Rose, what is wrong?
Rose:† I come in in measure 90.† Iím just sitting out the Tutti.
Conductor:† Oh.† Well, Bassist, arenít you ashamed of yourself?
Bassist:† For what ..
Conductor:† [vindictively] You didnít come in!
Bassist:† I donít come in until measure 6.
Conductor:† [embarrassed]† Oh, how embarrassing.
Lucas:† [begins playing]
Conductor:† Lucas!!† I didnít tell you to start!
Lucas:† [falls asleep, still playing]
Rose:† Letís begin again.
Conductor:† Okay.† This time it will work for sure.† I will give four measures of three-four time, which is three measures of four-eight time, or three measures of two-four time, but that is in two-four time, not in three-four time, and definitely not in six-eight time oh wait actually that would be three mea- no it wouldnít it would be actually six measures of six-eight time in a very fast pace.† Yes, it would be six measures at a very fast pace.† Oh, not that that matters.† Morever, I will count with† ďughĒ instead of the beat numbers so that no one is confused.† Ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-
Lucas:† [wakes up, eyes very wide]† I lost count!!
Conductor:† Oh, dear.† I think we need a few more prepatory measures.† Okay, here goes, then.† Twenty-four beats.† Ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-
Lucas:† [simultaneously] Ėand-one-and
Bassist:† [simultaneously]† -three-one-two
Rose:† Bassist, youíre wrong!
Lucas: [simultaneously] Ėtwo-and-one-and-two-
Bassist:† Oh yeah?!† Well thereís some scary shit in that orchestra room.
Rose:† You said that already.
Conductor:† -ugh-guh-oh crap I lost count.† Letís start that again, shall we.† Ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-
Rose:† [exasperated]† Iím just going to start in measure 90!
Lucas:† I can start on my own!
Bassist:† Whereís my chair?
Rose:† [begins playing.† the d-minor runs are absolutely gorgeous]
Lucas:† [staring in amazement at Rose, not paying attention to the Bassist at all]
Bassist:† [sneaks up from behind, obviously looking at Lucasís chair, an evil grin on his face]
Rose:† [continues on]
Conductor:† [sips tea]
Bassist:† [suddenly lunges forward, grabbing Lucasís chair and sending Lucas flying into Rose]
Rose:† [reaches slurred, fast notes]† [Lucas crashes into Rose] Eeeeep!! [Rose and Lucas go flying into the conductor]
Conductor:† [gets hit by Rose and Lucas]† My tea!! Noooooo Ö. [cup goes flying]
Bassist:† [triumphantly sits in chair]† [pause]† [objectively] I canít sit and play the bass at the same time.
Conductor:† [on ground, defeated]† Letís call it a day.
[After the rehearsal in the orchestra locker room]
Lucas:† Which locker is yours?
Rose:† Good question.† All these cases look the same.