LA ROSE ET L’ÂNE

A Script Comedy by Justin Lo

ACT I

Scene I:

[ event: first school orchestra rehearsal. location: the orchestra room ]

Rose: Lucas, why are we going outside for orchestra rehearsal?

Lucas: Due to budget cuts, they decided to move the orchestra outside.

Rose: What are they going to do with the old orchestra hall?

Lucas: They said they needed more children to store space.

Rose: Oh.

Lucas: Or rather, more space to store children.

Rose: That is an outrage! I don’t believe a word of that pishposh. We’ll have to look into this conspiracy after rehearsal.

Lucas: Very well, Rose.

Conductor: Everyone, sit down in your seats, please!

Rose: [to Lucas, in a whisper] Lucas, I don’t have a chair.

Lucas: [in shock] Neither do I!

Conductor: Lucas, I’m not going to continue until you stop talking.

Lucas: Okay. Thank you for cooperating. Now, where might I find a chair?

Rose: I don’t think anyone has chairs.

Violist: I don’t have a chair.

Violist #2: Neither do I!

Lucas: Rose, you won’t believe this. Did you ever notice that I didn’t have a chair?

Rose: ……..

Violist: I don’t have a chair.

Rose: Why don’t we look for chairs?

First Violinist: [hopeful] We could sit on the cellos.

Cellist: [didactic] It’s celli, not cellos.

First Violinist: [hopeful] We could sit on the celli … st.

Cellist: [in horror] I am greatly offended by your statement!

First Violinist: Are you trying to pick a fight with a First Violinist?? Stay in your place, peasant!

Conductor: Now, now. Don’t go fighting about grapeshot.

Rose: WHY DON’T WE LOOK FOR SOME DAMN CHAIRS?!

Cellist #2: I don’t think we should sit on the celli. Or the cellists. Or me. I’m a cellist, aren’t I?

Lucas: I found a chair.

Rose: Where?

Lucas: Look, it’s inside the old orchestra hall.

Rose: Oh! Yeah, there’s just one … chair ….. [trails off]

[Mob rushes towards school after the one chair. Only Lucas, Rose, and the conductor are left standing in the grass.]

Lucas: Now what did you say that for ..

Rose: My bad.

[At the door to the orchestra hall, a fight breaks out. Violins are seen.]

Lucas: Wow, they’re pretty desperate.

Rose: [nods]

[A victor rises from the dust. It is the bassist.]

Bassist: Veni, vidi, vici. [Enters the school and grabs the chair.] [pause] Wait a second. If this orchestra hall is empty, why the hell are we practicing outside?

[Sounds are heard from a closet door.]

Sounds: Woooooh. Woooooooh.

Bassist: Holy shit!! [runs out of door with chair and rejoins Rose and Lucas]

Conductor: [disappointed] So we have only three members this year? [puts on glasses]. Okay, let’s take roll.

[Roll is taken. Taken is rolled.]

Conductor: Okay, now listen carefully, because I’m only going to tell you the seating arrangement once.

Rose: Okay.

Lucas: Okay.

Bassist: [horrified expression] There’s some scary shit in that room.

Rose: Shut up, will you?

Lucas: Woah now, don’t go spreading rumors like that!

Rose: …..

Conductor: Rose, you sit there. Lucas, you sit there. Bassist, you sit there.

Bassist: Um, I don’t sit. I stand up cuz the bass is so big.

Rose and Lucas: [horrified] Then why in God’s name did you go to get the chair?!

Bassist: Uh ……

Conductor: Very well. Please give your chair to Lucas. We’ll rehearse Rose’s solo piece first so she doesn’t have to sit.

[Bassist reluctantly gives chair up to Lucas]

Rose: Okay. [readies herself]

Conductor: Actually, due to this brouhaha, I have a wonderful, splendid, just sucrose idea!

Rose: Oh?

Conductor: To save time, since, as you know, we have very limited time. You do know, right? That’s what I thought. In any case, to save time. Now where was I? Oh yes, to save time. Oh! Yes, yes, that’s right …

Lucas: [falls asleep]

Conductor: … to save time, we will rehearse two pieces at once! Yes. So Rose and Bassist, you will be rehearsing Rose’s piece, which is the Brahms Violin Concerto, first movement. Lucas, why don’t you practice Beethoven’s Symphony Number 9, First movement.

Lucas: [wakes up]

Rose: [hesistantly] I don’t know about this …

Bassist: Dude, where’s my chair?

Rose: You just gave it to Lucas.

Bassist: You know, Rose, there was some scary shit in that room.

Rose: Yes, you’ve said so already.

Bassist: You serious?

Lucas: [falls asleep]

Bassist: Damn.

Rose: C’mon, let’s play.

Bassist: Okay.

Conductor: Okay. Now I will give you all two measures for free and then you begin.

Lucas: [wakes up]

Conductor: One-two-three –

Lucas: The song is in 2-4 time.

Rose: No, it isn’t! It’s in 3-4 time. Let the conductor conduct.

Conductor: Oh. Oh yes. No, that’s right. Okay. The issue is that the Brahms is in 3-4 time but the Beethoven is in 2-4 time but I would like to subdivide that so that it is in 4-8 time. Taking the common denominator, I will give you all five beats.

Lucas: Is that a subdivided beat?

Rose: Can I just start?

Conductor: One-two-three-four-four and a half- [downbeat]

[Lucas comes in. Rose and Bassist are silent.]

Conductor: Stop!! Stop!! Rose, what is wrong?

Rose: I come in in measure 90. I’m just sitting out the Tutti.

Conductor: Oh. Well, Bassist, aren’t you ashamed of yourself?

Bassist: For what ..

Conductor: [vindictively] You didn’t come in!

Bassist: I don’t come in until measure 6.

Conductor: [embarrassed] Oh, how embarrassing.

Lucas: [begins playing]

Conductor: Lucas!! I didn’t tell you to start!

Lucas: [falls asleep, still playing]

Rose: Let’s begin again.

Conductor: Okay. This time it will work for sure. I will give four measures of three-four time, which is three measures of four-eight time, or three measures of two-four time, but that is in two-four time, not in three-four time, and definitely not in six-eight time oh wait actually that would be three mea- no it wouldn’t it would be actually six measures of six-eight time in a very fast pace. Yes, it would be six measures at a very fast pace. Oh, not that that matters. Morever, I will count with “ugh” instead of the beat numbers so that no one is confused. Ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-

Lucas: [wakes up, eyes very wide] I lost count!!

Conductor: Oh, dear. I think we need a few more prepatory measures. Okay, here goes, then. Twenty-four beats. Ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-

Rose: -two-three-one

Lucas: [simultaneously] –and-one-and

Bassist: [simultaneously] -three-one-two

Conductor: -ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-

Rose: Bassist, you’re wrong!

Lucas: [simultaneously] –two-and-one-and-two-

Bassist: Oh yeah?! Well there’s some scary shit in that orchestra room.

Rose: You said that already.

Conductor: -ugh-guh-oh crap I lost count. Let’s start that again, shall we. Ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-

Rose: [exasperated] I’m just going to start in measure 90!

Lucas: I can start on my own!

Bassist: Where’s my chair?

Rose: [begins playing. the d-minor runs are absolutely gorgeous]

Lucas: [staring in amazement at Rose, not paying attention to the Bassist at all]

Bassist: [sneaks up from behind, obviously looking at Lucas’s chair, an evil grin on his face]

Rose: [continues on]

Conductor: [sips tea]

Bassist: [suddenly lunges forward, grabbing Lucas’s chair and sending Lucas flying into Rose]

Rose: [reaches slurred, fast notes] [Lucas crashes into Rose] Eeeeep!! [Rose and Lucas go flying into the conductor]

Conductor: [gets hit by Rose and Lucas] My tea!! Noooooo …. [cup goes flying]

Bassist: [triumphantly sits in chair] [pause] [objectively] I can’t sit and play the bass at the same time.

Conductor: [on ground, defeated] Let’s call it a day.

Scene 2:

[After the rehearsal in the orchestra locker room]

Lucas: Rose.

Rose: Yeah?

Lucas: Which locker is yours?

Rose: Good question. All these cases look the same.

Lucas: